WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT
The sad streak continues.
On a recent episode of the FX’s network’s execrable
Nip/Tuck, a well-endowed yoga instructor sought a penis reduction to keep
him from performing autofellatio. The theme of self-gratification reappeared in
the program’s February 24th episode, which featured a character who
really, really loves furniture. Thus, for the third week in a row, this
column is singling out Nip/Tuck (Tuesdays, 10:00 p.m. ET) as the
Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.
When Dr. Christian Troy discovers that he has terminal
cancer, he decides to leave his practice and marry Liz, a former co-worker (and
former lesbian). Christian finds a suitable replacement with impeccable tastes,
one Dr. Logan Taper. During his job interview, Logan compliments Christian on
the furniture in his office. Christian is sufficiently impressed by Logan and
invites him to team up with Sean on a complete makeover of a former patient who,
in a previous season, had her lips surgically reconstructed using the labial
folds of her vagina. In the operating room, Logan notices the top-of-the-line
surgical table. “Work with the best,” Sean beams, “you can never go wrong.”
Logan displays his skill in the operating room and offers to help Sean scout
spots for Christian’s bachelor party. They go to a strip club and receive the
royal treatment from scantily clad dancers. But Sean is in no mood to party.
Christian’s planned departure has made him pensive. Logan ensures him that if
given a chance, he can make the partnership work. Subsequently, Logan is given
the keys to his new office – replete with the gorgeous furniture he so admired.
Once Logan is finally alone in the office, his compulsions
overcome him. He wipes down the desk, bends over, and sensuously licks the top
of it. But his true object of desire is the lime-green, vintage tweed sofa. It
beckons him, emitting light and moaning suggestively like a woman. Logan strips
naked and spreads the cushions apart. Sean and Christian walk in on him as
Logan gives the phrase “couch-surfing” a whole new meaning. Sean and Christian
undoubtedly need an explanation:
CHRISTIAN: “Looked like you
were screwing an invisible woman on my couch.”
LOGAN: “There was no invisible woman.”
SEAN: You were screwing the
LOGAN: “Gentlemen, I am completely embarrassed, so let me
apologize and explain. I struggle with object sexuality…I do have normal
relationships with women, they're just not as satisfying. There's a long history
of gender assignments with cars, boats, buildings...”
CHRISTIAN: “The difference is,
I've never stuck my d*** in a tailpipe.”
Naturally, Logan is fired. But before he leaves, he bids
farewell to the surgical table. He is shown vigorously pumping the table with
his bare-buttocks exposed.
has become a compendium of sexual deviance. The writers seem to pluck
storylines from whatever fetish they happen to come across or dream up in their
perverted minds. While this approach apparently delights the pathetically small
coterie of die-hard fans of the show, millions of cable subscribers who are not
obsessed with bizarre sex have nevertheless been forced to subsidize this
program for years. So long as FX continues to extort money from every cable and
satellite subscriber, the PTC will remain adamant in its goal: to empower cable
subscribers with the ability to choose (and pay for) only those channels they
actually want to watch.
For consistently offering up graphic and disturbing sexual
content, Nip/Tuck has been named the Worst Cable TV Show of the
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