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The Worst Cable Content of the Week

 

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Roast of Roseanne on Comedy Central

By Christopher Gildemeister

August 17, 2012

 

Comedy Central’s semi-annual Roasts have become a staple of the cable network; but anyone expecting a throwback to the humor of the old Dean Martin celebrity roasts is in for a shock. On Comedy Central’s roasts, explicit profanity and unbelievably graphic sex talk is the order of the day. The Comedy Central Roast of Roseanne, which aired last Sunday, August 12th at 10:00 p.m. ET (only 9:00 p.m. in the Central and Mountain time zones) was no exception…and definitely deserves the title of Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.  

Here are just a few samples of the content that every cable and satellite subscriber in America was forced to pay for:

 

Jane Lynch: “That reminds me, [bleeped f***] Chick-fil-A. Ellen, your sex scene in Sea of Love is the reason I'm a lesbian. There's nothing like seeing Al Pacino's greasy bare ass on the screen that makes a girl want to eat [bleeped p***y] like she's about to be executed.”

Amy Schumer: “Eat a d***, Jane. Try it…I haven't seen this much skin since Jane Lynch's circumcision. I don't want to mess with you Jane, I know your fans will eat my [bleeped p***y] alive…Roseanne bought a nut farm, which is also the nickname for Ellen Barkin's mouth at an audition.” 

Seth Green: “You tweet more than Big Bird when he's getting a**-raped.” 

Jeff Ross: “[Roseanne] was molested as a child. That poor molester.” 

Gilbert Gottfried: “This microphone is covered by the thick layer of pubic hairs that shot from between Jane's teeth. During each commercial break, the producers wipe away the pelt of saliva-coated pubes that accumulate upon the mic. And each time Jane returns to the stage, she once again sprays a carpet of short curly hairs all over the microphone and the front row of the nauseated audience members. So forgive me if my voice is, shall we say, muffled.” 

Ellen Barkin: “But now it's time to turn our attention to the sexiest [bleeped f***ing] bitch on this stage, Miss Roseanne Barr! Now, Roseanne, I'm only here because Sharon Stone dropped out and we all know how hilarious that [bleeped c***] is. Roseanne, it was very important for me to be here for you. Do you remember that [bleeped f***ing] bitch who tweeted at me and called me a [bleeped f***ing] cradle-robbing, washed-up, has-been pig who should find a man my own age instead of parading around with some boy toy who I would never get if I didn't used to be famous in the eighties? And Roseanne, in my defense, she took to twitter and she told that  [bleeped f***ing] bitch, "Shut the [bleeped f***] up!" Now granted, I was with that woman's son at the time., it was late, and he did have homework that night. But there was no way I was letting that little, hairless plaything out of my sandbox.”

Roseanne: “Gilbert Gottfried. You know the difference between Gilbert's voice and a sand-paper dildo? After 20 minutes, you might start enjoying the dildo...Tom Arnold. I'd really like to thank Tom for showing up tonight. It was very brave and he was very funny, but Jesus Christ, how many [bleeped f***ing] jobs do I have to get for that guy?”

 

What more is there for this column to say? In the face of such an overwhelming flood of disgusting content, any display of outrage would be pale and feeble by comparison.   

What we can say is this: programs like the Comedy Central Roasts demonstrate perfectly why Americans deserve the right to be able to select and pay for only those channels they want to watch, without being forced to subsidize such content with their monthly cable and satellite subscriptions.   

Please click on the Cable Choice link below, to learn what you can do to stop paying for programs like this.

 

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