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Comedy Central's Roast of Joan Rivers
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the sexual molestation of a child be funny? Comedy Central thinks so. And so,
apparently, do a couple dozen of America’s largest corporations that chose to
sponsor the Roast of Joan Rivers.
We anticipated that this "Roast" would be explicit, but it was far more so than
we anticipated, given that there were jokes about molesting children, pervasive
sexually explicit dialogue, and even Joan Rivers cursing at and giving the
middle finger to real child actors who appeared in the special.
When the PTC issued an advisory about this program before it aired, a Comedy
Central spokeswoman said that the roast was "designed to appeal to the Comedy
Central audience, not the PTC audience." Yet Comedy Central’s parent company,
Viacom, is quite content to force PTC members – and indeed tens of millions of
cable subscribers across America – to pay a monthly fee for Comedy Central as
part of a product bundle of its cable networks.
If you agree that this content crossed the line,
Take Action Now.
Given that this was not a live program, advertisers who sponsored this special
have no excuse and the public should express their concern to these companies.
2) Consumers who are disgusted at the thought that their cable dollars helped
fund this disturbing content should immediately contact their Congressmen and
demand cable choice.
4) Support the PTC's efforts to hold Hollywood responsible for this outrageous
Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers
Aired on Sunday, August 9, 2009
10:00 PM ET/PT
• KATHY GRIFFIN: Joanalah's not an orthodox Jew, but men still [bleeped
through a sheet so they don't have to look at that face. Now, I've
done my research, and I read that you had your first face job at 32. You
swallowed, wiped the rest off and then went in for some plastic surgery.
Joan, can we talk? My guess is you don't have much of a sex life
anymore. The only people you're screwing these days are your customers on QVC.
• ROBIN QUIVERS: I feel so at home up here. Maybe it's because my show is
also hosted by a frizzy-haired, loud mouth, with a nose job and a tiny
penis. Gilbert Gottfried, actually Gilbert is the voice-over king. He
does the parrot in Aladdin, the duck in the Aflac commercial. And the
gerbil in Mario's ass. Please, Mario is so gay he has to do a Brazilian
wax for the pubes in his teeth.
• GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Anyone who has listened to the Howard Stern show has
heard Robin talk about being molested by her father. She won't shut up
about it. She's very proud of it. But what Robin Quivers conveniently
leaves out of her delightful anecdote is that even as a kid she was so
ugly that her father would close his eyes and fantasize about her
sister... who was no looker herself I might add... and when he was done
pillaging that homely daughter he used to whisper "don't tell anyone,"
because he was embarrassed. Oh, the shame that that poor man must have
felt having to hide the fact that his molestation standards were so low.
• GILBERT GOTTFRIED: But Joan was an animal, she quickly disrobed, her ashy
yellow veiny skin was cold and smooth to the touch like a dead komodo
dragon, which made my young comic's custard canon rock hard. She spread her legs
and I was immediately blinded by a flurry of bats. When the bats
had cleared, I saw it, the fabled Joan Rivers vagina, it was magnificent,
a gleaming pink flower, glistening with morning dew, it filled the room
with sunshine and rainbows, a unicorn looked out of it winking as if to
beckon me inside. "Take me," Joan hissed, "fill me with your seed so I
may live another century." She climbed atop two cases of Rolling Rock and
began thrusting her heavenly loins upon my young comic's zoober gooper. I
shouted "take it all mein Bobby" then she exploded, sending a hot rush of
love slime sloshing to the floor where it burned a hole into the sewer
below. Spent, I fell backward tumbling into the furiously masturbating
Tom Arnold, only to watch the great Joan Rivers slither away into the
open drain pipe.
• Joan: When you do the Howard Stern show, every time there's a break, she
goes "oh, my father molested me. My father molested me." Take a good look
at yourself darling, let me tell you something, you should be thrilled
that that man paid any attention at all. I saw you naked backstage,
bitch, you look like a [bleeped 'fucking'] mudslide.
• Joan Rivers insults Tom Arnold: You were in Betty Ford more times than Gerald was... The only thing lower than your ratings are Carl Reiner's balls. Show
• Joan Rivers insults
Mario Cantone: Welcome to the dais. Dorothy, you're not in Ken's ass anymore....
you took a shit last week and Rock Hudson came out.
• Joan Rivers
Greg Giraldo: I said, who the [bleeped 'fuck'] is Greg Giraldo, and I thought this
was wrong, so I went and googled you and google said "who the [bleeped 'fuck'] is Greg Giraldo?"
• Joan Rivers comes out on stage holding hands with six little kids of
different nationalities and says that Brad and Angelina are having a yard
She pulls at one little girl and says: "This one speaks English, say
The girl doesn't speak but then Joan says: "That's [bleeped 'fucking']
She shoves at the line of kids and says: "All right, kids, go make
Behind the kids' backs, she flips her middle finger and says: "I hate
•KATHY GRIFFIN: "No matter where you go, or who you meet, everyone says the
same thing your gynecologist said the first time he looked at ya, "Oh my
God, what an ugly [bleeped 'cunt']."
• GREG GIRALDO: "The first time I heard your voice my foreskin fell
off. What have you done to your upper lip? Did you blow a bee hive?
"You looked like Steven Tyler [bleeped 'fucked'] a life raft."
"All these rubber faced monsters, what the [bleeped 'fuck']?"
"You once said you succeeded by saying what every one else was thinking.
That's not true. It's not true. I never heard you say Holy shit, what
the [bleeped 'fuck'] did I do to my face?"
"Shit, you even got a boob job a few years ago. You're every man's
dream. Every man that dreams of titty [bleeped 'fucking'] a crocodile."
• MARIO CANTONE: And you were brilliant in the vagina monologues.
[Impersonating Joan Rivers] "My vagina talks and talks and talks and doesn't know what the
[bleeped 'fuck'] it's saying! That's not true, my vagina does talk
and all it says is 'water, water, oil can, oil can.'"
• DONALD TRUMP: Joan, I, Donald Trump, have agreed to finance and oversee your
complete overhaul. My trained eye tells me since 1982 you've been
condemned from the waist down. And like most dilapidated structures you
haven't been entered in decades. We'll tent you fumigate you and if
necessary, send in a hazmat team to remove all hazardous materials found
in the toxic pool you call a vagina, which has already been responsible
for one fatality. Trump Rivers will be one of my biggest projects ever.
But Donald Trump is up for the challenge to make you what we call in the
real estate business dick-friendly. ... If you're not there on time on
Monday, you're ass is fired.
• JEFF ROSS: Nip-tuck. What the [bleeped 'fuck']? This isn't a roast
this is an autopsy. ... Have you seen you new YouTube video? "Forget
Matt Damon, I [bleeped 'fucked'] Charlie Chapman." ... But all
kidding aside Joan, I think you're incredibly sexy. I would [bleeped 'fuck'] you like there's no tomorrow. Because for you that's a
distinct possibility... [Talking about Kathy Griffin] Wow, look at that. When did Howdy Doody [bleeped 'fuck'] Pippy Longstocking? Holy
shit. Kathy Griffin, I wouldn't [bleeped 'fuck'] you with Chastity
Bono's new dick. ... [referring to Carl Reiner] Actually, tonight I
should call you van because you're sitting in between a dick and dyke.
... You're amazing Joan. Forty years of telling it like it is. You got
the biggest balls in the business and Joan her whole life all she wanted
to just be considered one of the guys. And good new is, your doctor says
you're only three surgeries away.
• CARL REINER: Wait, wait, I want to try out my new found freedom. [bleeped 'fuck']. Let me throw in just a shit. That's nothing. But, by the way,
has anybody tonight - I don't think so - has anybody used the word [bleeped 'cock'] sucker? I did it. Oh, I wish my mother and father were
alive to see this. Their son has made it. He's a modern kid.
...[speaking about George Burns] What do I have to look forward to in
my, you know, sex life. And he said to me - which I give to you, you can
all use it because it's true - he said, "Have you ever tried to put an
oyster in a slot machine?" ... Anyway, my last word and this is a word I
have never ever said anywhere and I heard it tonight and I'm gonna try to
say it ... it's the word for vagina and I'm gonna make an attempt.
Please help me get through this...I'm gonna try to say it - "C-C-[bleeped 'cunt']. I said, I said."
• WHITNEY CUMMINGS: Gilbert Gottfried is here.
Gilbert, what is with the squinting, stop looking for Jeff Ross's dick,
you're never going to find it. Gilbert's always been a big inspiration
for me, Gilbert I used to love when you'd do that thing when you'd smash
watermelon's on stage. Speaking of watermelon's, Robin Quivers is here.
Robin does only sleep with white men, Robin's [bleeped 'fucked']
so many white guys Abercrombie and Fitch took out ad space on her taint.
Robin's vagina is like the first five minutes of a movie, it's never been
seen by a black guy. Robin Quivers has slept with so many white guys her
hymen hasn't even broken yet. Robin's been hammered so hard her vagina
looks like Seal's face. Speaking of people who make my vagina dry up,
Greg Giraldo is here. Greg, the only work you ever get is this roast, no
one has any idea who you are, you're like the Jeff Ross of comedy. The
only thing lower then Greg Giraldo's ticket sales is Mario Cantone's T-cell
Cantone is so gay his safe word is Mario Cantone.
Now stop it, I love Mario Cantone, we're actually neighbors, I found
that out on Meganslaw.com. Tom Arnold is here everybody. Tom was on
that "Best Damn Sports Show." Tom is really into sports, in fact that
whole time he was married to Roseanne she was pitching and he was
catching. You and Roseanne were like the original tabloid couple, you
guys were like Jon and Kate plus an eight ball. And now for the amazing
Joan Rivers. Joan, I loved you in "The Wrestler." Look at Joan, I
always wanted to know what Ivana Trump would look like if she was dating
Chris Brown. Joan Rivers has done some TV, I actually recently saw her
vagina on an episode of "The Deadliest Catch." I can't imagine what that
vagina looks like, Joan's vagina is so old it has a separate entrance for
If Comedy Central chooses to rebroadcast the program over the coming weeks, the
PTC will monitor each airing and publish the sponsors of every broadcast.
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