WARNING: 

EXPLICIT CONTENT

10:00 PM ET/PT
TV-MA L

• KATHY GRIFFIN: Joanalah's not an orthodox Jew, but men still [bleeped "fuck"] her through a sheet so they don't have to look at that face. Now, I've done my research, and I read that you had your first face job at 32. You swallowed, wiped the rest off and then went in for some plastic surgery. Joan, can we talk? My guess is you don't have much of a sex life anymore. The only people you're screwing these days are your customers on QVC.

• ROBIN QUIVERS: I feel so at home up here. Maybe it's because my show is also hosted by a frizzy-haired, loud mouth, with a nose job and a tiny penis. Gilbert Gottfried, actually Gilbert is the voice-over king. He does the parrot in Aladdin, the duck in the Aflac commercial. And the gerbil in Mario's ass. Please, Mario is so gay he has to do a Brazilian wax for the pubes in his teeth.

• GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Anyone who has listened to the Howard Stern show has heard Robin talk about being molested by her father. She won't shut up about it. She's very proud of it. But what Robin Quivers conveniently leaves out of her delightful anecdote is that even as a kid she was so ugly that her father would close his eyes and fantasize about her sister... who was no looker herself I might add... and when he was done pillaging that homely daughter he used to whisper "don't tell anyone," because he was embarrassed. Oh, the shame that that poor man must have felt having to hide the fact that his molestation standards were so low.

• GILBERT GOTTFRIED: But Joan was an animal, she quickly disrobed, her ashy yellow veiny skin was cold and smooth to the touch like a dead komodo dragon, which made my young comic's custard canon rock hard. She spread her legs and I was immediately blinded by a flurry of bats. When the bats had cleared, I saw it, the fabled Joan Rivers vagina, it was magnificent, a gleaming pink flower, glistening with morning dew, it filled the room with sunshine and rainbows, a unicorn looked out of it winking as if to beckon me inside. "Take me," Joan hissed, "fill me with your seed so I may live another century." She climbed atop two cases of Rolling Rock and began thrusting her heavenly loins upon my young comic's zoober gooper. I shouted "take it all mein Bobby" then she exploded, sending a hot rush of love slime sloshing to the floor where it burned a hole into the sewer below. Spent, I fell backward tumbling into the furiously masturbating Tom Arnold, only to watch the great Joan Rivers slither away into the open drain pipe.

• Joan: When you do the Howard Stern show, every time there's a break, she goes "oh, my father molested me. My father molested me." Take a good look at yourself darling, let me tell you something, you should be thrilled that that man paid any attention at all. I saw you naked backstage, bitch, you look like a [bleeped 'fucking'] mudslide.

• Joan Rivers insults Tom Arnold: You were in Betty Ford more times than Gerald was... The only thing lower than your ratings are Carl Reiner's balls. Show 'em, Carl.

• Joan Rivers insults Mario Cantone:  Welcome to the dais. Dorothy, you're not in Ken's ass anymore.... you took a shit last week and Rock Hudson came out.
 

• Joan Rivers insults Greg Giraldo:  I said, who the [bleeped 'fuck'] is Greg Giraldo, and I thought this was wrong, so I went and googled you and google said "who the [bleeped 'fuck'] is Greg Giraldo?"

• Joan Rivers comes out on stage holding hands with six little kids of different nationalities and says that Brad and Angelina are having a yard sale.
She pulls at one little girl and says: "This one speaks English, say something!"
The girl doesn't speak but then Joan says: "That's [bleeped 'fucking'] enough."
She shoves at the line of kids and says: "All right, kids, go make jewelry!"
Behind the kids' backs, she flips her middle finger and says: "I hate children."

•KATHY GRIFFIN: "No matter where you go, or who you meet, everyone says the same thing your gynecologist said the first time he looked at ya, "Oh my God, what an ugly [bleeped 'cunt']."

• GREG GIRALDO: "The first time I heard your voice my foreskin fell off. What have you done to your upper lip? Did you blow a bee hive? Holy shit!"
"You looked like Steven Tyler [bleeped 'fucked'] a life raft."
"All these rubber faced monsters, what the [bleeped 'fuck']?"
"You once said you succeeded by saying what every one else was thinking. That's not true. It's not true. I never heard you say Holy shit, what the [bleeped 'fuck'] did I do to my face?"
"Shit, you even got a boob job a few years ago. You're every man's dream. Every man that dreams of titty [bleeped 'fucking'] a crocodile."

• MARIO CANTONE:  And you were brilliant in the vagina monologues. [Impersonating Joan Rivers] "My vagina talks and talks and talks and doesn't know what the [bleeped 'fuck'] it's saying! That's not true, my vagina does talk and all it says is 'water, water, oil can, oil can.'"

• DONALD TRUMP:  Joan, I, Donald Trump, have agreed to finance and oversee your complete overhaul. My trained eye tells me since 1982 you've been condemned from the waist down. And like most dilapidated structures you haven't been entered in decades. We'll tent you fumigate you and if necessary, send in a hazmat team to remove all hazardous materials found in the toxic pool you call a vagina, which has already been responsible for one fatality. Trump Rivers will be one of my biggest projects ever. But Donald Trump is up for the challenge to make you what we call in the real estate business dick-friendly. ... If you're not there on time on Monday, you're ass is fired.

• JEFF ROSS: Nip-tuck. What the [bleeped 'fuck']? This isn't a roast this is an autopsy. ... Have you seen you new YouTube video? "Forget Matt Damon, I [bleeped 'fucked'] Charlie Chapman." ... But all kidding aside Joan, I think you're incredibly sexy. I would [bleeped 'fuck'] you like there's no tomorrow. Because for you that's a distinct possibility... [Talking about Kathy Griffin] Wow, look at that. When did Howdy Doody [bleeped 'fuck'] Pippy Longstocking? Holy shit. Kathy Griffin, I wouldn't [bleeped 'fuck'] you with Chastity Bono's new dick. ... [referring to Carl Reiner] Actually, tonight I should call you van because you're sitting in between a dick and dyke. ... You're amazing Joan. Forty years of telling it like it is. You got the biggest balls in the business and Joan her whole life all she wanted to just be considered one of the guys. And good new is, your doctor says you're only three surgeries away.

• CARL REINER: Wait, wait, I want to try out my new found freedom. [bleeped 'fuck']. Let me throw in just a shit. That's nothing. But, by the way, has anybody tonight - I don't think so - has anybody used the word [bleeped 'cock'] sucker? I did it. Oh, I wish my mother and father were alive to see this. Their son has made it. He's a modern kid. ...[speaking about George Burns] What do I have to look forward to in my, you know, sex life. And he said to me - which I give to you, you can all use it because it's true - he said, "Have you ever tried to put an oyster in a slot machine?" ... Anyway, my last word and this is a word I have never ever said anywhere and I heard it tonight and I'm gonna try to say it ... it's the word for vagina and I'm gonna make an attempt.  Please help me get through this...I'm gonna try to say it - "C-C-[bleeped 'cunt']. I said, I said."

• WHITNEY CUMMINGS: Gilbert Gottfried is here. Gilbert, what is with the squinting, stop looking for Jeff Ross's dick, you're never going to find it. Gilbert's always been a big inspiration for me, Gilbert I used to love when you'd do that thing when you'd smash watermelon's on stage. Speaking of watermelon's, Robin Quivers is here. Robin does only sleep with white men, Robin's [bleeped 'fucked'] so many white guys Abercrombie and Fitch took out ad space on her taint. Robin's vagina is like the first five minutes of a movie, it's never been seen by a black guy. Robin Quivers has slept with so many white guys her hymen hasn't even broken yet. Robin's been hammered so hard her vagina looks like Seal's face. Speaking of people who make my vagina dry up, Greg Giraldo is here. Greg, the only work you ever get is this roast, no one has any idea who you are, you're like the Jeff Ross of comedy. The only thing lower then Greg Giraldo's ticket sales is Mario Cantone's T-cell count. Mario Cantone is so gay his safe word is Mario Cantone.  Now stop it, I love Mario Cantone, we're actually neighbors, I found that out on Meganslaw.com. Tom Arnold is here everybody. Tom was on that "Best Damn Sports Show." Tom is really into sports, in fact that whole time he was married to Roseanne she was pitching and he was catching. You and Roseanne were like the original tabloid couple, you guys were like Jon and Kate plus an eight ball. And now for the amazing Joan Rivers. Joan, I loved you in "The Wrestler." Look at Joan, I always wanted to know what Ivana Trump would look like if she was dating Chris Brown. Joan Rivers has done some TV, I actually recently saw her vagina on an episode of "The Deadliest Catch." I can't imagine what that vagina looks like, Joan's vagina is so old it has a separate entrance for black cocks.