August 29, 2006 10:00 pm EST

"Beached"

SEASON FINALE

Tommy plans to retire to a life of ease with Sheila, but his memories of 9/11 and the attitudes of his brother firefighters weigh heavily on him and make his decision difficult.

Janet asks to move back in with Tommy, so that people will believe the baby she is carrying is Tommy's. She worries the baby may look like Johnny, but Tommy dismisses her fears and promises to support her through her pregnancy.

Sheila decorates her new beach house and plans on Tommy sharing his retirement and future with her.

Franco takes the lieutenant's exam but does not complete it, saying that there is no reason to do so as his only motive was to improve his circumstances for his daughter Keila, and she is no longer in his life. At Natalie's urging he visits Keila and apologizes for being a poor father. Keila tells him she loves him and leaves for a private school in Europe.

Lou finds he is unable to keep his balance on his cousin's boat, thus ending his plans for retirement with Theresa.

Spurred on by Maggie's desire for kinky sex, she and Sean copulate in the chief's office and the firehouse shower.

Probie has a threesome with a woman and her gay brother. He is angry when the crew teases him about it and threatens to transfer to another station.

Reilly leaves the hospital and returns to the station though he is still recovering from his heart attack. Reilly claims that the fire station is the only place where he belongs. The crew returns him to the hospital.

The crew visits the 9/11 Firefighter's Memorial and confess their failures to each other. Tommy cannot bring himself to leave the crew and admits to Sheila that he didn't retire. Sheila drugs him and, in a rage, sets the beach house on fire. She tries to drag Tommy to safety, but both fall unconscious in the burning house. 

Language:

• The word "shit" was used 18 times in this episode. "Asshole/ass" was used 16 times. "Goddamn" was used 12 times. "Jesus/Christ" was used profanely 11 times. "Pecker" was used eight times, and "hell" was used five times. "Balls" was used three times and "piss" was used twice. A variety of other words, such as "cock," "pussy," "douche bag" and "blow me" were each used once.

• Lou is frustrated dealing with headquarters. He slams down the phone.

Lou: "Jesus Christ!...I tell ‘em we don't have a chief and they tell me no, we sent somebody over...How do you pronounce this? P-E-C-H-E-R...Its Pecker, right?"

Tommy: "This is like shootin' fish in a goddamn barrel. We've got so many options here."

Lou: "I mean, if he's an asshole you've got peckerwood, you got pecker head --"

Tommy: "Yeah, if he's good-looking you got Gregory Pecker --"

Lou: "If he's black, Black and Pecker."

• Probie crunches potato chips as Franco studies. Franco explodes in anger.

Franco: "Jesus Christ, enough with the goddamn chips already! I'm tryin' to study here, asshole!"

• At the retirement office, another firefighter greets Tommy.

Firefighter: "Tommy Gavin, you cock-knocker. Get your skinny Irish ass the hell outta my sight...Tell me that wasn't your kid brother in the news last week, was it?"

Tommy: "Yeah, it was."

Firefighter: "Shit."

Tommy asks him when he started working in the retirement office.

Firefighter: "Tryin' to get some nine foot tall Spic outta his apartment, slams the goddamn door on my hand. I can't bend these two fingers, so they gave me a choice -- desk job or retirement. Yeah. I'm gonna retire like some fag. What're you doin down here?"

Tommy: "Um -- I was just checkin' some pension bullshit downstairs."

The firefighter tells him the pension office is upstairs.

Firefighter: "Get your head outta your ass, Gavin."

• Sean has told everyone in the station about Probie's bisexual threesome.

Probie: "Why'd you have to tell everybody, asshole?"

Sean: "It's not my fault, asshole. It's your fault. You went outta bounds, alright. You banged some chick, that fine. But you bang a brother/sister combo deal; I am required by law to share that."

Probie: "Go ahead. Bust my balls."

Tommy: "I'd love too, but I just don't know where they've been."

Probie: "Yeah, that's funny. I'm transferring out. I don't give a shit."

Sean: "You're not transferring out, asshole."

Probie: "Yes I am, asshole."

Sean: "Who you callin' asshole, asshole?...Asshole!"

• At the beach house, Sheila rages at the unconscious Tommy.

Sheila: "Asshole! You must think I am a fool! You think that I bought all this for me? I bought this for US!...You think I picked this piece of shit out for myself? Is that what you think, you son of a bitch?"

Sheila throws a lamp, starting a fire. She tries to put it out but cannot work the fire extinguisher.

Sheila: "Shit!"

Sex:

• Probie meets Sarah and Greg, the brother and sister whom he met at the club previously.  Greg sits with his arm around Sarah.

Sarah: "So, should we get a drink, or you wanna just skip it and go back to our place for some fun?"

Probie: "I'm up for whatever, but when you say fun --"

Sarah: "I mean sex."

Probie: "Wow. Um, cool. Uh, great."

Greg: "We play together. That freaks you out?"

Probie [uncertainly]: "No. Not -- at all."

Sarah: "I mean, we don't mess around with each other."

Greg: "That would be weird."

Sarah: "But we like to put somebody in the middle and let things happen."

Greg: "You're bi, right?

Probie: "Yeah."

Greg: "Perfect."

Sarah: "Bi guys are the best."

• Probie lies in bed bare-chested kissing Sarah. She kisses her way down to his waist. Probie's face assumes a blissful expression. Sarah is heard whimpering. Greg's naked leg lands across Probie's chest and his foot rubs against Probie's face.  Greg and Sarah are heard making kissing, licking and whimpering sounds, both brother and sister performing oral sex on Probie.

• Lou defends Probie's bisexual threesome.

Lou: "I want to defend your right to bang Hansel and Gretel and not be judged too harshly by your peers...What's with the double standard all of a sudden, gentlemen? A chick who bangs guys decides all of a sudden she wants, y'know, to have a lesbian experience, should she be pissed on for that?"

Sean: "Wait a second. It's a lesbian thing when a chick gets pissed on? That's hot!"

Lou: "Yeah, look, that's not what I'm talkin' about, dipshit. What I'm saying is --"

Sean: "Think about it."

Lou: "Actually, it's a little hot, isn't it? Let me think about that for a minute."

• Reilly's substitute Chief Pecher opens his office door. Maggie lies on the desk, her legs widely spread and wrapped around Sean's waist. Maggie gasps and shakes as Sean thrusts into her.

Sean: "Holy shit! Nobody knocks anymore."

Pecher is embarrassed and asks for a magazine on the desk. Maggie feels around underneath herself. Sean pulls it out from under Maggie's rear, holding it gingerly with two fingers. He hands it to Pecher. As soon as Pecher closes the door thrusting and pounding sounds and Maggie's gasps are heard.

• Sean rolls off of Maggie, having just finished having sex. Sean whoops in pleasure, but Maggie crosses her arms and looks dissatisfied.

Sean: "Jesus, Maggie. We been married three days. Already the sex has gone down the shitter?"

Maggie: "It was better at work...Y'know like at the firehouse when you did me on that guy's table. THAT was amazing!"

Sean: "Yeah, except the chief walked in on us. And there was that like pen and pencil thing that was poking you in the thigh the whole time."

Maggie: "No, but that's what made it so steamy. The pen and pencil set, that it was so wrong and all...I just got to thinkin' about the desk and it creakin' and the papers fallin' on the floor and the feeling of that blotter on my cool bare ass."

Maggie and Sean return to the firehouse to have sex.

• Franco looks for Sean to give him orders. He finds Sean in the shower.

Franco: "What the hell are you doing?...Dry your ass off and get it movin'."

Sean asks for two seconds. Maggie is heard from inside the shower.

Maggie: "Why'd you say two seconds? It's gonna take longer than that."

Sean: "Maggie, just use a little more soap. It'll be over before you know it."

Sean moans in pleasure.

• Janet worries that her baby may resemble Johnny. Tommy belittles her concerns.

Tommy: "Both Angie's kids look just like Angie. They look nothing like Johnny, alright? My sperm versus Johnny's sperm? Are you kidding me?...My sperm are like, they have ant strength, okay? My sperm can lift other sperm outta the way."

Their young daughter Katie bursts in. Tommy tries to get her to leave. Katie: "What's sperm?"

Tommy: "It's a food. It's like Spam except it's got y'know more protein, and it's hard to find in the store. Get outta here, okay?"

Katie: "Oh, well I thought it was the stuff which comes out of a man's penis during intercourse."

August 22, 2006 10:00 pm EST

"Hell"

Johnny dies as a result of being shot by a criminal. Tommy and Johnny's father demands that the funeral be a happy occasion and a celebration of Johnny's life. Tommy discovers a message that Johnny left on his answering machine just before he was killed, apologizing to Tommy for taking Janet away from him and declaring his love for Tommy. Tommy lies to Janet, claiming that it was he who left a message for Johnny before he died. Tommy surreptitiously places a phony message declaring his love for Janet on Johnny's phone, then plays the fake message for Janet in hopes of deceiving her into coming back to him.

At the funeral, Maggie decides on the spur of the moment to marry Sean. She bribes the priest to perform the wedding at the cemetery, with Johnny's mourners in attendance. Johnny's wake is transformed into a wedding reception.

Sheila tells Tommy that she has purchased the house they agreed on. Tommy tells her he is retiring from the fire department. Sheila is thrilled, not knowing that Tommy is trying to get back together with Janet and his children.

Tommy's estranged deaf sister Rosemary returns for Johnny's funeral. She advises Tommy that the only things that matter in life are good sex and being happy.

Teddy is frustrated that Ellie is no longer interested in having sex with him. Believing that if he leaves prison she will lose interest in him, he demands that lawyer Eddie get him a trial.

Franco's girlfriend Natalie finds a photo of Franco's daughter Keila and discovers a strong resemblance. Natalie leaves Franco until he makes a decision regarding Keila's place in his life.

Reilly is hospitalized following his heart attack. Tommy fears that the Viagra he gave Reilly caused the attack.

Lou's nun girlfriend Theresa tells him that she will be joining him in retirement on his boat. Lou is elated.

Language:

• The word "shit" was used 13 times.  "Jesus/Christ" was used profanely 13 times. "Goddamn" was used eight times. "Asshole/ass" was used seven times. "Cock" was used three times. A variety of other words, such as "hell," "jerk-off", "hard-on" and "bitch" were each used once.

• Tommy and Lou discuss Reilly's heart attack. Tommy worries he is responsible because he gave Reilly Viagra. Lou opines that Tommy did Reilly a favor.

Lou: "You gave him a magnificent hard-on that y'know he could leave this Godforsaken planet with...How would you rather go out? Lyin' there burned up like Stack in some hospital bed, and they come in and take a piece of you bit by bit like you're a goddamn Mr. Potatohead? Or like Jerry? Bangin' away, free as a bird, his cock as hard as a shovel? Mr. Potatohead style or cock like a shovel?"

• Tommy visits Johnny's murderer. He unlocks the killer's handcuffs and forces him to stand with his hands on the table and his legs spread.

   

  Tommy: "Stick your ass in the air...Stick your ass up in the air!"

   

  killer: "Stick my ass up? Goddamn!"

   

  The killer complies.

   

  Tommy: "You like that? You'd better get used to it, pal. Cuz it's the position you're gonna be in for the next 30, 40 years. Takin' it up the ass, bitch."

• During the priest's homily at Johnny's funeral Tommy sees Rosemary, his deaf sister. Maggie, Sean and Rosemary use sign language to communicate. Their signing is translated by captions.

   

  Maggie: "Rosemary -- goddammit I love you."

   

  Rosemary: "Think I'd miss a chance to make Dad pissed off?"

   

  Sean: "Who are you signing to?"

   

  Maggie: "Jesus Christ -- you know sign language?"

   

  Sean: "You bet your ass."

Sex:

• Sean and Probie drink together at a bar. Sean complains.

Sean: "It's totally unfair...At a bar fulla hot chicks you can flirt and chat and get phone numbers and blah blah blah, and you can do the same thing at a bar fulla guys. Holy shit! Take a look at that broad over there at the corner of the bar…This is what I'm saying. I can't go over there cuz she's with a guy, but you can go over there and hit on both of them. That's why this is unfair."

Probie smirks and walks towards the couple.

Probie: "I'm goin' to swing both ways, bro!"

Probie returns with a huge grin.

Probie: "They're brother and sister, and he's gay, and they're into double digits, bro. I hit the jackpot!"

• Ellie comes to Teddy for a conjugal visit. She is distraught and sobbing. Teddy is interested only in sex with her.

Teddy: "Johnny was a cop. I mean, firefighters, y'know, we get burned up, we get knocked around, sometimes we even get killed, but cops -- cops get shot at every goddamn day of the week. He knew that going in."

Teddy trails his finger down Ellie's arm and moves his fingers into her blouse to caress her breast. Ellie slaps his hand.

Ellie: "What are you doing? How can you think about sex right now?"

• Tommy and Sheila walk into a bedroom at Johnny's wake. Sean is mounted atop Maggie, having intercourse with her. He yanks the bedclothes to cover them.
  
  Sean: "Hey! Ever heard of knocking first? Jesus!"

Violence:

• Johnny's corpse is shown in an ER in the wake of his shooting. He is intubated and his entire chest is covered in blood. The doctors pull a sheet over his head.

Religion:

• Immediately after Johnny's graveside committal service, Maggie asks Fr. Francis to marry her and Sean.

Fr. Francis: "You know it's against the rules of the Catholic church to marry two people outdoors unless there's a very specific, special -- "

Maggie: "Well, how much did Tommy pay you to do the funeral, mass and then this part?"

Fr. Francis: "Three hundred. Cash."

Maggie: "We'll give you four hundred to marry us here today."

Fr. Francis: "You got it on you?"

Maggie asks Sean for money. He doesn't have any.

Fr. Francis: "Make it five hundred, you can pay me by check."

Fr. Francis marries Sean and Maggie in the cemetery.

• Sheila and Tommy enter a bedroom where the bisexual Probie is sitting on a bed talking with Fr. Francis.
  
  Probie: "We're just talking. No really! Tommy, we're just talking!"

August 15, 2006 10:00 pm EST

"Twilight"

Tommy's father almost burns down Tommy's apartment and goes into a suicidal dperession. After serious conversations with his father about growing older and with Lou about retirement, Tommy begins worrying about having so little time in life. Tommy begins to think seriously about retiring.

Shiela and Tommy look at home listings. Shiela buys their favorite house sight unseen.

At Lou's suggestion, his uncle Red and Tommy's dad move in together.

Lou has sex with Theresa, a nun who is about to leave her order.

Franco asks Natalie's retarded brother Richard for permission to date her. Richard is touched and agrees to stop trying to break them up.

Sean and Maggie meet with a priest for premarital counselling. After Maggie treats the priest abusively, Sean realizes he does not want to marry her and breaks up with her.

Teddy is informed he must get a job in prison. Ellie berates him for never asking about her life.

Probie seeks Tommy's advice as to whether or not he is really gay. Tommy tells Probie to have sex with a woman. Probie does so.

Colleen Simpson dates Chief Reilly and pressures him to have sex with her. Reilly has Tommy give him viagra.  Reilly suffers a heart attack during sex with Colleen. She refuses to call 911 and flees, trying to keep their tryst secret.

Johnny and Janet consider names for Janet's baby. On stakeout, Johnny is shot multiple times.

Language:

• The word "shit" was used 19 times in this episode. "Ass/asshole" was used 18 times. "Goddamn" was used 15 times, and "Jesus/Christ" was used profanely 14 times. "Hell" was used four times and "piss" was used three times. "Tits," "dick" and "queer" were used twice apiece. A variety of other words, such as "nigger," "bastard," "prick" and "fag" were each used once.

• Teddy arrives for another conjugal visit with Ellie. He undresses, standing in his t-shirt and shorts.

Teddy: "I gotta take a goddamn job. You believe this shit? I'll tell ya, I been behavin' like a choir boy, cleanin' my cell, been nice to the guards. I even brokered a piece pact between the gay Aryan alliance and goddamn straight Aryan alliance. I mean, that alone took me two goddamn weeks. I'm like Kissinger in here."

• Tommy's dad moves in with Lou's Uncle Red. Tommy and Lou look on.

Red: "Sangria. My own kick-ass recipe. I made a great big batch of it now that you're movin in."

dad [to Tommy]: "Ya hear that? Never got any goddamn Sangria at your place."

Red: "So listen up. Before you two punks hit the bricks, I got a coupla things I wanna make clear. This is my house, we go by my rules."

Tommy: "You hear that, dad?"

Red: "Hey, I'm not talking to him, ass-face. I'm talking to you two."

dad: "Ass-face! That's a good one!...Look at em, Red. You know dumb and dumber? This is dickless and dicklesser."

• Johnny and his police partner discuss rock concerts while on a stakeout.

Johnny: "Cher, she invented that shit...every pair of pants, assless. I'm talkin no material coverin the ass area. Bare assed. Ass out. Dancing on the stage for two hours, and Cher's got a gold-medal ass. You tell your little friend Madonna to match that action."

Sex:

• Reilly asks Tommy for advice about having sex with Colleen.

Reilly:"Rose is almost my age and she's white. And this girl is black, and then nowhere near 40, and she'shot and big and -- I mean, I like it. But I'm a little scared, yknow?...Tapping Mary Tyler Moore is one thing, but Eartha Kitt's another whole story, yknow?"

Tommy: "Jesus! Mary Tyler Moore and Eartha Kitt! I'd need a blindfold, four viagra and a strap-on to do either one of them."

Tommy indicates that he will get Reilly some viagra.

• Colleen is seen naked from the waist up. Her bottom is covered with a sheet. She is mounted on Reilly and bounces up and down wildly. Both moan and scream as they climax. They giggle as Colleen rolls off. Both are wrapped in the sheet.

   

  Colleen: "I am very impressed with your stamina."

   

  Reilly: "Me and Mr. Wonderful here, we had a little help."

   

  Colleen's hand moves downward, presumably touching his crotch.

   

  Colleen: "And it's HARD to get good help these days."

• Lou talks to Tommy about his Uncle Red.

Lou: "He had a date last night -- 78 years old -- came home, decided he wanted to wash the stank off him. His words, not mine."

Tommy: "How much did he pay for the date?"

Lou: "$35.

Violence:

• Johnny is shot multiple times in the chest and collapses on the ground.  A closeup shows five bloody bullet wounds in his torso. Blood leaks from Johnny's mouth. Johnny's partner returns fire.

partner: "Jesus! Jesus!"

Religion:

• Tommy finds Lou's sex partner in his bathroom. He gapes in astonishment when the woman dresses in a nun's uniform and veil. Tommy berates Lou.

Tommy: "She's not really a nun, right? She's wearin' like a nun costume? Like her French maid costume was at the dry cleaners or somethin', right?...Is she a nun or is she not a nun?"

Lou: "She's a semi-nun."

Tommy: " 'She's a semi-nun'? What does that mean? She's in the nun National Guard? She's the Bride of Christ one weekend a month? What the hell's that mean?...You have crossed a boundary, my friend."

Lou: "Oh, you have boundaries?"

Tommy: "I have one boundary, Lou. One boundary and one boundary only. No sex with nuns in the place where I live."

Lou tells Tommy the nun is leaving her order.

Lou: "They know all about it. She's trying to spend a few days every week outside of the convent trying to adjust."

Tommy: "To adjust what? Her vagina?"

Lou: "For a couple more weeks she's living under their roof, she has to abide by their rules, and then she's out. This could be really big for me, Tom…She's only been with two other guys. One was some clown way back in high school and the other is, y'know -- Jesus."

Tommy: "Yeah. Jesus. Our Lord and Savior who died for our sins. That Jesus. Right?"

Lou: "Well, the word on the street is that I was created in His image, y'know. And there are those people who say that I too move in mysterious way."

Tommy: "And she's technically still married to Him, so that means she's cheating on the Son of God with you."

Lou: "I got a hundred pounds on the guy, and look! No holes in my hands. Bring it on, Jesus!"