LOWLIGHTS FROM RESCUE ME
Rescue Me on FX Episode Summaries:
August 29, 2006 10:00 pm EST
Tommy plans to retire to a life of ease with Sheila, but his memories of 9/11 and the attitudes of his brother firefighters weigh heavily on him and make his decision difficult.
Janet asks to move back in with Tommy, so that people will believe the baby she is carrying is Tommy's. She worries the baby may look like Johnny, but Tommy dismisses her fears and promises to support her through her pregnancy.
Sheila decorates her new beach house and plans on Tommy sharing his retirement and future with her.
Franco takes the lieutenant's exam but does not complete it, saying that there is no reason to do so as his only motive was to improve his circumstances for his daughter Keila, and she is no longer in his life. At Natalie's urging he visits Keila and apologizes for being a poor father. Keila tells him she loves him and leaves for a private school in Europe.
Lou finds he is unable to keep his balance on his cousin's boat, thus ending his plans for retirement with Theresa.
Spurred on by Maggie's desire for kinky sex, she and Sean copulate in the chief's office and the firehouse shower.
Probie has a threesome with a woman and her gay brother. He is angry when the crew teases him about it and threatens to transfer to another station.
Reilly leaves the hospital and returns to the station though he is still recovering from his heart attack. Reilly claims that the fire station is the only place where he belongs. The crew returns him to the hospital.
The crew visits the 9/11 Firefighter's Memorial and confess their failures to each other. Tommy cannot bring himself to leave the crew and admits to Sheila that he didn't retire. Sheila drugs him and, in a rage, sets the beach house on fire. She tries to drag Tommy to safety, but both fall unconscious in the burning house.
Lou: "Jesus Christ!...I tell ‘em we don't have a chief and they tell me no, we sent somebody over...How do you pronounce this? P-E-C-H-E-R...Its Pecker, right?"
Tommy: "This is like shootin' fish in a goddamn barrel. We've got so many options here."
Lou: "I mean, if he's an asshole you've got peckerwood, you got pecker head --"
Tommy: "Yeah, if he's good-looking you got Gregory Pecker --"
Lou: "If he's black, Black and Pecker."
Franco: "Jesus Christ, enough with the goddamn chips already! I'm tryin' to study here, asshole!"
Firefighter: "Tommy Gavin, you cock-knocker. Get your skinny Irish ass the hell outta my sight...Tell me that wasn't your kid brother in the news last week, was it?"
Tommy: "Yeah, it was."
Tommy asks him when he started working in the retirement office.
Firefighter: "Tryin' to get some nine foot tall Spic outta his apartment, slams the goddamn door on my hand. I can't bend these two fingers, so they gave me a choice -- desk job or retirement. Yeah. I'm gonna retire like some fag. What're you doin down here?"
Tommy: "Um -- I was just checkin' some pension bullshit downstairs."
The firefighter tells him the pension office is upstairs.
Firefighter: "Get your head outta your ass, Gavin."
Probie: "Why'd you have to tell everybody, asshole?"
Sean: "It's not my fault, asshole. It's your fault. You went outta bounds, alright. You banged some chick, that fine. But you bang a brother/sister combo deal; I am required by law to share that."
Probie: "Go ahead. Bust my balls."
Tommy: "I'd love too, but I just don't know where they've been."
Probie: "Yeah, that's funny. I'm transferring out. I don't give a shit."
Sean: "You're not transferring out, asshole."
Probie: "Yes I am, asshole."
Sean: "Who you callin' asshole, asshole?...Asshole!"
Sheila: "Asshole! You must think I am a fool! You think that I bought all this for me? I bought this for US!...You think I picked this piece of shit out for myself? Is that what you think, you son of a bitch?"
Sheila throws a lamp, starting a fire. She tries to put it out but cannot work the fire extinguisher.
Sarah: "So, should we get a drink, or you wanna just skip it and go back to our place for some fun?"
Probie: "I'm up for whatever, but when you say fun --"
Sarah: "I mean sex."
Probie: "Wow. Um, cool. Uh, great."
Greg: "We play together. That freaks you out?"
Probie [uncertainly]: "No. Not -- at all."
Sarah: "I mean, we don't mess around with each other."
Greg: "That would be weird."
Sarah: "But we like to put somebody in the middle and let things happen."
Greg: "You're bi, right?
Sarah: "Bi guys are the best."
Lou: "I want to defend your right to bang Hansel and Gretel and not be judged too harshly by your peers...What's with the double standard all of a sudden, gentlemen? A chick who bangs guys decides all of a sudden she wants, y'know, to have a lesbian experience, should she be pissed on for that?"
Sean: "Wait a second. It's a lesbian thing when a chick gets pissed on? That's hot!"
Lou: "Yeah, look, that's not what I'm talkin' about, dipshit. What I'm saying is --"
Sean: "Think about it."
Lou: "Actually, it's a little hot, isn't it? Let me think about that for a minute."
Sean: "Holy shit! Nobody knocks anymore."
Pecher is embarrassed and asks for a magazine on the desk. Maggie feels around underneath herself. Sean pulls it out from under Maggie's rear, holding it gingerly with two fingers. He hands it to Pecher. As soon as Pecher closes the door thrusting and pounding sounds and Maggie's gasps are heard.
Sean: "Jesus, Maggie. We been married three days. Already the sex has gone down the shitter?"
Maggie: "It was better at work...Y'know like at the firehouse when you did me on that guy's table. THAT was amazing!"
Sean: "Yeah, except the chief walked in on us. And there was that like pen and pencil thing that was poking you in the thigh the whole time."
Maggie: "No, but that's what made it so steamy. The pen and pencil set, that it was so wrong and all...I just got to thinkin' about the desk and it creakin' and the papers fallin' on the floor and the feeling of that blotter on my cool bare ass."
Maggie and Sean return to the firehouse to have sex.
Franco: "What the hell are you doing?...Dry your ass off and get it movin'."
Sean asks for two seconds. Maggie is heard from inside the shower.
Maggie: "Why'd you say two seconds? It's gonna take longer than that."
Sean: "Maggie, just use a little more soap. It'll be over before you know it."
Sean moans in pleasure.
Tommy: "Both Angie's kids look just like Angie. They look nothing like Johnny, alright? My sperm versus Johnny's sperm? Are you kidding me?...My sperm are like, they have ant strength, okay? My sperm can lift other sperm outta the way."
Their young daughter Katie bursts in. Tommy tries to get her to leave. Katie: "What's sperm?"
Tommy: "It's a food. It's like Spam except it's got y'know more protein, and it's hard to find in the store. Get outta here, okay?"
Katie: "Oh, well I thought it was the stuff which comes out of a man's penis during intercourse."
August 22, 2006 10:00 pm EST
Johnny dies as a result of being shot by a criminal. Tommy and Johnny's father demands that the funeral be a happy occasion and a celebration of Johnny's life. Tommy discovers a message that Johnny left on his answering machine just before he was killed, apologizing to Tommy for taking Janet away from him and declaring his love for Tommy. Tommy lies to Janet, claiming that it was he who left a message for Johnny before he died. Tommy surreptitiously places a phony message declaring his love for Janet on Johnny's phone, then plays the fake message for Janet in hopes of deceiving her into coming back to him.
At the funeral, Maggie decides on the spur of the moment to marry Sean. She bribes the priest to perform the wedding at the cemetery, with Johnny's mourners in attendance. Johnny's wake is transformed into a wedding reception.
Sheila tells Tommy that she has purchased the house they agreed on. Tommy tells her he is retiring from the fire department. Sheila is thrilled, not knowing that Tommy is trying to get back together with Janet and his children.
Tommy's estranged deaf sister Rosemary returns for Johnny's funeral. She advises Tommy that the only things that matter in life are good sex and being happy.
Teddy is frustrated that Ellie is no longer interested in having sex with him. Believing that if he leaves prison she will lose interest in him, he demands that lawyer Eddie get him a trial.
Franco's girlfriend Natalie finds a photo of Franco's daughter Keila and discovers a strong resemblance. Natalie leaves Franco until he makes a decision regarding Keila's place in his life.
Reilly is hospitalized following his heart attack. Tommy fears that the Viagra he gave Reilly caused the attack.
Lou's nun girlfriend Theresa tells him that she will be joining him in retirement on his boat. Lou is elated.
Lou: "You gave him a magnificent hard-on that y'know he could leave this Godforsaken planet with...How would you rather go out? Lyin' there burned up like Stack in some hospital bed, and they come in and take a piece of you bit by bit like you're a goddamn Mr. Potatohead? Or like Jerry? Bangin' away, free as a bird, his cock as hard as a shovel? Mr. Potatohead style or cock like a shovel?"
Sean: "It's totally unfair...At a bar fulla hot chicks you can flirt and chat and get phone numbers and blah blah blah, and you can do the same thing at a bar fulla guys. Holy shit! Take a look at that broad over there at the corner of the bar…This is what I'm saying. I can't go over there cuz she's with a guy, but you can go over there and hit on both of them. That's why this is unfair."
Probie smirks and walks towards the couple.
Probie: "I'm goin' to swing both ways, bro!"
Probie returns with a huge grin.
Probie: "They're brother and sister, and he's gay, and they're into double digits, bro. I hit the jackpot!"
Teddy: "Johnny was a cop. I mean, firefighters, y'know, we get burned up, we get knocked around, sometimes we even get killed, but cops -- cops get shot at every goddamn day of the week. He knew that going in."
Teddy trails his finger down Ellie's arm and moves his fingers into her blouse to caress her breast. Ellie slaps his hand.
Ellie: "What are you doing? How can you think about sex right now?"
Fr. Francis: "You know it's against the rules of the Catholic church to marry two people outdoors unless there's a very specific, special -- "
Maggie: "Well, how much did Tommy pay you to do the funeral, mass and then this part?"
Fr. Francis: "Three hundred. Cash."
Maggie: "We'll give you four hundred to marry us here today."
Fr. Francis: "You got it on you?"
Maggie asks Sean for money. He doesn't have any.
Fr. Francis: "Make it five hundred, you can pay me by check."
Fr. Francis marries Sean and Maggie in the cemetery.
August 15, 2006 10:00 pm EST
Tommy's father almost burns down Tommy's apartment and goes into a suicidal dperession. After serious conversations with his father about growing older and with Lou about retirement, Tommy begins worrying about having so little time in life. Tommy begins to think seriously about retiring.
Shiela and Tommy look at home listings. Shiela buys their favorite house sight unseen.
At Lou's suggestion, his uncle Red and Tommy's dad move in together.
Lou has sex with Theresa, a nun who is about to leave her order.
Franco asks Natalie's retarded brother Richard for permission to date her. Richard is touched and agrees to stop trying to break them up.
Sean and Maggie meet with a priest for premarital counselling. After Maggie treats the priest abusively, Sean realizes he does not want to marry her and breaks up with her.
Teddy is informed he must get a job in prison. Ellie berates him for never asking about her life.
Probie seeks Tommy's advice as to whether or not he is really gay. Tommy tells Probie to have sex with a woman. Probie does so.
Colleen Simpson dates Chief Reilly and pressures him to have sex with her. Reilly has Tommy give him viagra. Reilly suffers a heart attack during sex with Colleen. She refuses to call 911 and flees, trying to keep their tryst secret.
Johnny and Janet consider names for Janet's baby. On stakeout, Johnny is shot multiple times.
Teddy: "I gotta take a goddamn job. You believe this shit? I'll tell ya, I been behavin' like a choir boy, cleanin' my cell, been nice to the guards. I even brokered a piece pact between the gay Aryan alliance and goddamn straight Aryan alliance. I mean, that alone took me two goddamn weeks. I'm like Kissinger in here."
Red: "Sangria. My own kick-ass recipe. I made a great big batch of it now that you're movin in."
dad [to Tommy]: "Ya hear that? Never got any goddamn Sangria at your place."
Red: "So listen up. Before you two punks hit the bricks, I got a coupla things I wanna make clear. This is my house, we go by my rules."
Tommy: "You hear that, dad?"
Red: "Hey, I'm not talking to him, ass-face. I'm talking to you two."
dad: "Ass-face! That's a good one!...Look at em, Red. You know dumb and dumber? This is dickless and dicklesser."
Johnny: "Cher, she invented that shit...every pair of pants, assless. I'm talkin no material coverin the ass area. Bare assed. Ass out. Dancing on the stage for two hours, and Cher's got a gold-medal ass. You tell your little friend Madonna to match that action."
Reilly:"Rose is almost my age and she's white. And this girl is black, and then nowhere near 40, and she'shot and big and -- I mean, I like it. But I'm a little scared, yknow?...Tapping Mary Tyler Moore is one thing, but Eartha Kitt's another whole story, yknow?"
Tommy: "Jesus! Mary Tyler Moore and Eartha Kitt! I'd need a blindfold, four viagra and a strap-on to do either one of them."
Tommy indicates that he will get Reilly some viagra.
Lou: "He had a date last night -- 78 years old -- came home, decided he wanted to wash the stank off him. His words, not mine."
Tommy: "How much did he pay for the date?"
partner: "Jesus! Jesus!"
Tommy: "She's not really a nun, right? She's wearin' like a nun costume? Like her French maid costume was at the dry cleaners or somethin', right?...Is she a nun or is she not a nun?"
Lou: "She's a semi-nun."
Tommy: " 'She's a semi-nun'? What does that mean? She's in the nun National Guard? She's the Bride of Christ one weekend a month? What the hell's that mean?...You have crossed a boundary, my friend."
Lou: "Oh, you have boundaries?"
Tommy: "I have one boundary, Lou. One boundary and one boundary only. No sex with nuns in the place where I live."
Lou tells Tommy the nun is leaving her order.
Lou: "They know all about it. She's trying to spend a few days every week outside of the convent trying to adjust."
Tommy: "To adjust what? Her vagina?"
Lou: "For a couple more weeks she's living under their roof, she has to abide by their rules, and then she's out. This could be really big for me, Tom…She's only been with two other guys. One was some clown way back in high school and the other is, y'know -- Jesus."
Tommy: "Yeah. Jesus. Our Lord and Savior who died for our sins. That Jesus. Right?"
Lou: "Well, the word on the street is that I was created in His image, y'know. And there are those people who say that I too move in mysterious way."
Tommy: "And she's technically still married to Him, so that means she's cheating on the Son of God with you."
Lou: "I got a hundred pounds on the guy, and look! No holes in my hands. Bring it on, Jesus!"
August 8, 2006 10:00 pm EST
Shiela buys Tommy a new truck as a bribe. Tommy converses with the ghost of Shiela's dead husband Jimmy, who urges Tommy to retire and go away with Shiela. The new truck is stolen. Tommy pursues it, getting into altercations with several Middle Eastern cabdrivers.
Tommy visits Janet to discuss her pregnancy. They argue and fight physically. Johnny arrives and beats Tommy, swearing to kill him if he ever touches Janet again.
Depressed after seeing a memorial to the firefighters who died on 9/11, Tommy thinks he sees his dead son Connor. Tommy gets drunk and is berated by his enraged AA sponsor.
Tommy visits critically-injured firefighter Stack and urges him to "let go," promising to look after Stack's family. Stack dies.
Franco offers to look after Natalie's retarded brother Richard for a day. He confides to Richard that he wants to form a relationship with Natalie. Richard wanders off and Franco cannot find him. Natalie berates Franco while Richard seems pleased.
Reilly goes dancing with Colleen Simpson, a worker at his wife's care home. Colleen tells him that she is an illegal immigrant and urges Reilly not to tell anyone and to keep their dating relationship secret.
Probie tries to transfer to another firehouse. Tommy, trying to keep the crew at his house together, tells the other station's chief that Probie is gay and a coward.
Sean and Maggie make wedding plans. Maggie states that she wants to get married in a bar.
Teddy's new wife Ellie avoids having sex with him, instead devoting her attention to "sprucing up" the prison's conjugal visit room.
Mick: " What do you think about this survivor's guilt? This shit's not goin' away, pal. It's not going away, shithead!...Get yourself in the goddamn car. Get some goddamn coffee and get you to a meeting so we can start this shit all over again. Jesus Christ!"
Tommy: "You always been a bull. Even when we were in probie school together, man. Me and my cousin Jimmy thought we were gonna be the hotshots of that class. You kicked our ass. I know you brought that dummy down seven flights. You were like goddamn flash. Son of a bitch…You're not gonna win this fight, Stack, you're not. You gotta go. Goddamn it, you gotta go."
Nelson: "What, like he likes oceans, maybe a manicure now and again gay? Or actually blowing other guys gay."
Tommy: "Blowing other guys gay."
Nelson: "Perfect. Look, T -- this day and age I can't justify saying no to a guy based on the fact he likes cock…I used to work with Harry the Hat over in Brooklyn, before he came outta the closet. That guy was the best firefighter I ever saw...He's a chief now. The guys are afraid to make gay jokes cuz they're afraid he'll beat their goddamn ass in."
Janet: "Not because of me, not the kids! God damn you, Tommy! All you had to do was listen, and (indistinct)"
Janet raves and beats Tommy's chest with her fists. Tommy slams and pins her against the wall. He places his face close to hers.
Tommy: "Goddamn it, stop! Are you gonna tell me that simply because I didn't listen well enough that you then ruined my life so far beyond what I could ever imagine? That that's why? Because I didn't listen hard enough, that's why you're sucking my brother's cock?!"
Janet grabs Tommy's genitals and crushes them in her hand. Tommy winces in pain.
Tommy: "Well, goddamn it!"
Janet: "Goddamn it, Tommy. (indistinct) and really scared shitless. I had just buried my only son."
Tommy: "So did I."
Janet: "As much as you need, Tommy."
Janet again slams and clenches Tommy's genitals. He again winces in pain. A closeup shows her hand grasping Tommy's crotch. She twists his genitals repeatedly. Tommy's face contorts.
Tommy: "Goddamn it!" Tommy gasps and bleats in pain.
Janet: "I needed you! To hold you. And I needed someone to hold me in my bed at night while I cried. I needed someone to help me after I was done helping the girls dry their goddamn tears. But the old you? He was gone. He's buried with all of your lost brothers. Y'know what? You can tell all your lost brothers to come back, because we're here and they're not."
Tommy continues to wince and gasp in pain as Janet crushes his genitals. Johnny enters. He sees Tommy pinning Janet.
Johnny: "Better go, asshole."
Johnny punches Tommy, knocking him to the floor. He kicks Tommy repeatedly.
Tommy: "Go back to your goddamn sleeper cell!...You wanna find the next group of suicide bombers in this country, all ya gotta do is bust all the cab drivers in New York City."
August 1, 2006 10:00 pm EST
Tommy visits the hospitalized firefighter Stack, who attended firefighter school with both Tommy and Tommy's cousin Jimmy. Fearing the firehouse crew are going their separate ways and with Stack crippled and Jimmy dead, Tommy considers leaving the fire department. Shiela urges Tommy to retire with her, saying she will use the widow's pension from Jimmy's death on 9/11 to buy them a house together.
Johnny tells Tommy that Janet is pregnant. Johnny assumes he is the father, but Tommy knows that either one of them could be.
Probie's gay roommate comes to the station and tells the crew that Probie is gay. Probie protests that he is not and explains to the others about his sexual encounters with his roomie. The crew mock Probie at first, but Tommy stands up for him. Ultimately the crew accepts Probie.
Colleen Simpson, a worker at the home where his wife is receiving Alzheimer's care, tells Reilly to move on with his life and to not let his wife's Alzheimer's stop him from being happy. Reilly befriends her.
Sean asks Tommy's dad for Maggie's hand in marriage. Sean irritates Tommy by acting in an overly familiar fashion towards him.
Franco suspects Natalie of having another boyfriend, but discovers that she is caring for her mentally disturbed brother.
Lou tells Tommy that he is thinking of resigning and moving to Florida to work on his cousin's charter boat.
Teddy has sex in prison with his new wife Ellie.
Teddy: "Oh, that's it, baby. Oh, yeah. Ride the pony. Ride the baloney pony!"
Ellie: "Oh, Theodore. This is as good as you thought it was gonna be?"
Teddy: "Don't talk. I want you to put all your focus, all your energy into the sex. That's your goal for the next forty minutes. If it isn't sex, don't do it."
The phone rings.
Teddy: "Goddamn it!...Goddamn guards calling every ten minutes. How the hell do they expect us to get into a rhythm?"
Ellie: "They need to know that you're still here and I'm not dead."
Teddy: "What am I gonna do, strangle you with your own panties?"
Ellie: "Oooh, you wanna try that?"
July 25, 2006 10:00 pm EST
While Tommy is having sex with Angie, Janet arrives to also have sex with him. Angie is enraged. Her ex-boyfriend Sebastian beats Tommy up, humiliating him. Angie leaves Tommy and Janet ignores him.
Sheila lies to Tommy, telling him that he got drunk, wrecked his own apartment and threatened to kill her. Tommy apologizes.
A policeman acquaintance of Tommy's finds him crying and tells Tommy he is suffering from "survivor's guilt" over 9/11. When Tommy asks for advice the policeman tells him to get drunk, which AA member Tommy cannot do.
Probie earns the crew's respect when he saves a fellow firefighter. He becomes even more popular with the crew when he bungles placing a wager for them, inadvertently winning the crew thousands of dollars. Probie's gay roommate is enraged at Probie for having a girlfriend and throws him out of their apartment.
Lou learns that the prostitute who swindled him has been arrested. Feeling he has closure, Lou turns over a new leaf and takes-up yoga.
Reilly blames Rose for causing him to lose the money for his wife Jeannie's Alzheimer's care. Rose leaves him.
Franco beds photographer Natalie, and is impressed with the deep intimacy they instantly share.
Sean proposes to Maggie. She accepts.
Teddy marries Ellie in prison.
opponent: "You're playing like a pussy tonight, Gavin. You takin' your hormone shots?"
Tommy: "I believe the proper term is 'vagina'."
opponent: "You're a pussy."
Tommy: "Alright, asshole."
opponent: "Pussy. Y'know, your brother's got a big dick. Your wife told me."
Tommy punches the opponent in the face, knocking him down. Probie mocks the bloody-nosed opponent.
opponent: "What the hell was that?...Eat shit!"
Probie: "Shit guys, you shoulda seen us, me and Nils were bombing down Broadway, we almost clipped this homeless dude. It was sick. I almost shit myself."
Probie notices the crew is depressed.
Probie: "Oh shit, the Five horse lost?"
Reilly kisses Probie.
Reilly: "Shit! You stupid son of a bitch! C'mere, I love you!"
Teddy: "I went through a lot of 8 by 10s to find you. But when I laid eyes on that onion, I knew you were the one for me...My heart and soul walk out that door with you, right after we bang on that conjugal visit."
Snake: "Well, you better be guilty!"
Teddy: "I'll break your neck!"
Snake: "Yeah, just try it asshole!"
Guards drag Snake and Ellie out. The clergyman hastily marries them. Teddy is dragged back to his cell.
Teddy: "What about my conjugal visit? I need to get laid!...Lemme just see her ass, at least once!"
guard: "Show him your ass."
Ellie raises her skirt and tugs up her panties, displaying part of her rear. Both Teddy and Ellie are dragged out, leaving Tommy alone with the clergyman.
clergyman: "Nice rack, huh?"
Maggie: "What, are you slaughtering the lamb back there or what?...Camel jockey!...Sand spook!"
Sean proposes marriage to Maggie. She accepts. Maggie wants to get married immediately at city hall. Sean refuses, saying he wants a fancy church wedding.
Maggie: "Oh my God, now I'm getting cold feet. I've been down the aisle three times, and none of that shit buys you any luck...You're such a whiny little bitch."
Maggie and Sean leave.
falafel cook: "Poor bastard."
Angie: "Let's play a game. I'm gonna get you off in two minutes. Don't think about baseball. Don't think about football. Don't think about nuns. Don't think about priests."
Tommy: "Why'd you bring them up?"
Tommy unzips his pants.
Angie: "Just focus on me, okay? My tits, my ass, my mouth."
Angie mounts Tommy. He gasps as she rams down on him.
Angie: "My tits, my ass, my mouth."
Tommy: "Tits, ass, mouth, okay. Tits, ass --"
Tommy moans as he climaxes.
Tommy: "God, you're hot. That was good, right?"
Angie: "Yeah, it was fast."
Tommy: "Yeah, but fast is good, right?"
Angie: "It was fast."
Tommy: "Well, it was like, what, like 15 seconds, right?"
Angie: "Yeah, if you count from when I came in the door."
Angie looks disappointed as she climbs off of Tommy.
Angie: "And you said you admired me, Janet. I really admire you. You're a regular Mother Theresa. Both Tommy and Johnny. This one can't screw, other one can't laugh, and yet you find the time in your day to spread your legs for both of them!"
Tommy: "I just wanted to apologize about the whole not being able to cum thing, y'know."
Angie: "Yeah, is that hard-on gone yet, or did you use it to dial the phone?...Y'know, I heard you talking to your penis...I heard you tell it that you used to fantasize about me and you would go off in like five seconds."
Tommy: "Seven seconds. It was seven seconds…Just sitting here listening to your voice, I'm ready to shoot right now. I'd do it too, if I had windshield wipers on the inside of my truck. C'mon."
Tommy asks Angie to have sex with him that weekend.
Angie: "Okay, but don't jerk off for a couple days...Pass the good news onto your cock."
July 18, 2006 10:00 pm EST
Tommy and Angie attend a police event together to make Johnny and Janet jealous. Tommy propositions Angie and against her better judgment Angie has sex with Tommy. Brothers Tommy and Johnny are now each having sex with their brother's ex-wives.
Shiela, enraged at Tommy for having sex with Angie, drugs him with Viagra and date-rape pills. Shiela rapes the unconscious Tommy, then vandalizes his apartment and plants evidence making Tommy think he did it himself while drunk.
Tommy takes his daughter Colleen for counseling. When the counselor suggests Colleen is suffering from "survivor's guilt," Tommy believes he at last understands what is wrong in his own life. Tommy's AA sponsor Mick discounts the possibility, saying that Tommy's only problem is alcoholism.
Tommy's uncle Teddy proceeds with his romance while in prison. A guard warns Teddy that prison marriages never survive after the prisoner is released, and tells Teddy that he has become a cause celebre with groups agitating for his release.
Probie enters a relationship with Paula. He is anguished about his homosexual actions with his old roommate, but Paula promises to "turn him around." The roomie is jealous and kicks Probie out of their apartment.
Maggie asks Sean to be her steady boyfriend. Sean agrees but is dismayed to learn that Maggie finds watching Sean getting into fights sexually stimulating.
Reilly is fired from his bartending job.
The crew learns that Chief Parolli has donated all the money they had saved to charity.
Franco: "Jesus Christ, man. You see this shit?"
Sean bumps into the furniture, still blinded by the mace.
Sean: "Jesus! Son of a bitch!"
Sean falls onto the floor.
Franco: "Jesus Christ, man. You okay? What is this, a Ray Charles tribute?"
Sean bangs his head.
Sean walks towards the door. Lou opens it, bashing Sean in the face.
Lou: "Jesus Christ, Garrity! What the hell's the matter with you?"
Sean opens the door, again banging himself in the face.
Franco: "Lou, Parolli took the money and donated it to the goddamn cancer people!"
Lou: "The people for it or against it? I only ask cuz he's such a prick it could go either way."
A crash is heard from outside the room.
voice: "Jesus, Garrity!"
Teddy: "I killed a guy, for Christ's sakes! Shot him dead right in front of 200 people in a goddamn bus station."
The phone chirps. The guard leans over to look at the screen.
guard: "Money shot?"
Teddy: "Get outta here! This one's private, you pervert."
The guard tells Teddy that Mothers Against Drunk Driving are protesting his incarceration and that he is receiving massive news coverage seeking to free him.
Teddy: "Shit! Goddamn it! Just when things were going so good!"
The phone chirps again.
Teddy: "She wants me to take a picture of my cock. Can you give me a few minutes alone in the shitter?"
Birdy: "Piss off!"
Birdy's car is missing. Reilly tells him that if Birdy pays him what he owes Reilly will tell him where the car is.
Birdy: "You fat prick!...You goddamn son of a bitch! I find one scratch on that car, I'll track you down, you and your firefighter pussy friends. You better tell me where it is, you prick!"
Reilly walks away. Birdy sees his car. It suspended from a construction crane with a cable and dangles over the street by its rear bumper.
Birdy: "Oh, shit."
Angie: "I always knew you'd be good at that. I was right."
Angie climbs off him.
Tommy: "Better than he whose name we dare not speak?"
Angie: "Johnny? Let's not go there. You guys have enough
Angie looks at Tommy's crotch in astonishment.
Angie: "You still hard?"
Tommy: "A little."
Angie: "THAT'S a 'little'? Oh, did you take something?"
Tommy: "No! That's just you. It's all natural."
Angie: "Yeah? You wanna go again?"
Angie mounts Tommy again.
Angie: "Okay, but now, is this an honest to God, 'years of sexual tension, can't wait to get my hands on Angie's body, that day is finally here' hard-on --"
Tommy gasps as he penetrates Angie. He grasps her rear.
Angie: "-- or is it 'seek evil revenge on my brother and my ex-wife' one?"
Tommy gasps and moans as Angie moves up and down on him.
Angie: "It can be both. It can be both."
Tommy: "Okay, it's probably -- OOH! -- 80 percent honest and 20 percent evil."
Angie rocks back and forth as Tommy thrusts into her.
Angie: "Go honest! Go evil!"
Probie: "I'm sorry. It's just been a while since I've been with a woman. I guess I'm a little rusty...Paula, listen. I think you're really hot and everything, but I also think that this could be more than just a one-night thing. So I gotta be honest. Which, y'know, bein' a guy, that's not my usual thing. Before anything more happens between us, I gotta tell you something."
Paula: "You're gay?"
Probie: "No! Is it that obvious?"
Paula: "So you are gay?"
Probie: "No! I've been living with this guy for like a month...He was a nice guy and he thought I was a great guy so I moved into his place. And long story short, he started blowing me! It freaked me out at first, but y'know, again, being a guy there's no such thing as a bad blowjob."
Paula: "Mike, it's okay if you've had a homosexual experience."
Probie: "No, I didn't, I swear! I never kissed him or did any of the stuff he was doin' to me. He was having the homosexual experience! I just happened to be in the room at the time."
Paula: "It's okay. Believe me Mike, I've turned a lot of guys around. I can help you."
July 11, 2006 10:00 pm EST
Janet praises Johnny for being a more considerate man and father-figure to her children than Tommy ever was. She then has sex with Tommy, as "repayment" for his rape of her.
Tommy and Angie plot to make Janet and Johnny jealous. They meet together at a restaurant and grope one another, knowing that the waitress is a friend of Janet's and hoping she will tell Janet about seeing them act like lovers. The waitress reports instead to Shiela, who has been trying to get back together with Tommy and is enraged at his betrayal.
Sean accidentally takes some of Tommy's leftover drugs. Under the influence of the drugs, he punches out one of Maggie's other lovers. Maggie is impressed and decides to make Sean her "new boyfriend."
At a fire scene Lou becomes disoriented, trapping himself and Franco in the burning building and necessitating Tommy rescuing them. Lou is concerned by his blunder and commiserates with his uncle Red, a former firefighter.
It is revealed that Probie's roommate is gay and is having other lovers over to their apartment while Probie is at work.
Lou: "A new microwave. That microwave is so old its leakin' microwaves when it's not even on. Pretty soon we're all gonna be growin' an extra cock and a pair of tits. Look at me. C'mon, I'm already halfway there."
Tommy: "This is bullshit, Chief!"
Reilly: "That's what the department has come to, Tom. Buncha micro-managing bullshit bean counters showing up outta the blue. Pricks!"
Lou: "Franco! Get away from that porno!"
Franco: "I'm just takin' what's mine, awright?"
Lou: "Oh yeah? Lemme see. 'Forrest Hump'? Mine. 'King Schlong'? Mine."
Tommy: " 'King Schlong' is mine, actually. I brought that in."
Lou: "No, you brought in 'King Dong'."
Franco: "Which sucked, by the way. All the girls had skeeter bites for tits."
Tommy: "That's because they're real tits, Franco. That's what real tits look like, okay? Johnny giant fake boob."
Franco: "Yeah, well excuse me for being an American, okay? I like to suck on big tits."
Lou: "The shit's down here, Franco."
The burning ceiling collapses on them. They are unhurt.
Franco: "I lost my goddamn hook."
The ceiling collapses on them again, blocking the hall. Lou pries open a door to a room.
Franco: "Goddamn! I can't see shit in here!...Shit shit shit!"
The ceiling collapses again, trapping them in the windowless room.
Angie: "Goddamn bitch! He's gonna shit bricks when he finds out, that scumbag."
Red: "My face, my balls. That's it."
Lou: "Face and balls is pretty serious."
Red: "Hey, my age, face and balls is the least important part of my life. Mouth, ass, legs, hands -- in that order, my friend. I gotta eat, I gotta shit, I gotta walk, I gotta pick stuff up. Otherwise, the rest of me is pretty much cancer-friendly."
Lou shares his worries about his own job performance.
Red: "Listen to me, kid. I was a fireman for fifty goddamn years -- a REAL fireman, before Scott packs and oxygen masks and all this other goddamn pussy breathing apparatus bullshit."
Tommy: "Holy shit! Jesus, Janet!"
Janet shoves Tommy onto the couch and straddles his crotch. She rips his shirt open and pulls down his pants. Janet reaches downward and inserts Tommy into her, then thrusts vigorously up and down.
Tommy: "Oh, my God! Oh, baby!"
Janet thrusts wildly up and down on top of him. both gasp and pant. Janet cries out as she has an orgasm. Tommy also climaxes. Janet rolls off him.
Tommy: "Wow. That was great."
Janet: "Yeah. I know."
Janet puts on her coat and talks as if nothing has happened. Before leaving, she thanks Tommy.
Tommy: "For the Colleen thing, or --"
Janet: "Both. Payback's a bitch, huh?"
Angie: "Kiss, linger, grope, ass-grab, tit-rub."
Tommy: "Okay, wait a minute -- grope?"
Angie: "Ass-grab, tit-rub. Go!"
Tommy kisses Angie, rubs her rear and fondles her right breast.
Angie: "It's working like a goddamn charm. Second tit-rub -- go!"
Tommy fondles her other breast.
June 27, 2006 10:00 pm EST
Tommy sees Johnny and Janet together and considers running them over. He learns from Shiela that Johnny's ex-wife Angie is back in town and "accidentally" meets her. She figures out that Tommy wants to date her to get revenge on Johnny and leaves, but later agrees to help him.
Tommy learns that Nell Turbody has been arrested for child molestation and that she has given her victims chlamydia. Tommy worries that he has contracted the disease and tells Lou.
Teddy tries to choose a woman via mail who will marry him so that he can have sex while in prison. One woman comes to meet him, and upon learning that she is as bigoted as he is, Teddy proposes on the spot.
Alicia is concerned about Franco's daughter Keila and Franco's unwillingness to settle down. Alicia worries that Franco's instability and sexual promiscuity makes him a poor role model, as girls tend to marry men who are like their fathers. She abducts Keila and takes her to live in the country. Franco is enraged but legally powerless, as he has stolen Keila himself from her legal foster parents.
With his wife Jeannie in the Alzheimer's home, after months of loneliness Jerry asks helpful neighbor Rose to spend the night. Jeannie's brother Bud admires Jerry's loyalty and plans to give Jerry money for Jeannie's care, but when he sees Rose, tears up the check.
Sean, disgusted by the fact that Maggie is simultaneously having sex with five other men, breaks up with her. Maggie blames Tommy for telling Sean about the situation.
Probie again considers transferring to another station.
woman: "I think what you did is what needed to be done. All these goddamn faggotty politically-correct assholes with their goddamn Bibles and their bumper stickers and their Girl Power bullshit -- nobody's accountable anymore. You get a drunk driver who kills a kid, it's not his fault cuz he drank, it's his parents fault cuz they bullied him when he was a kid. I am so sick of people not facing up to the facts. Black people like fried food. Chinese people, lousy goddamn drivers. Mexicans think a pickup truck holds 27 people. And that's just what I think."
Lou: "I didn't see anything, alright? All I'm saying is that if you're gonna violate yourself like that, lock the door."
Tommy: "Okay, first, the one place I never jerk off is in the bathroom."
Lou: "Okay, I'll keep that in mind."
Tommy: "I was performing a medical procedure on myself. I was checking my cock."
Lou: "That's the lamest euphemism I've ever heard."
Tommy admits he may have Chlamydia and tells Lou about his sexual experiences with Nell.
Lou: "We're talking about piss-filled bladders, we're talking about illicit underage sex scandals with teachers and students and uncles and nephews, we're talking about fire-breathing cocks...You're the only man in the tri-state area who shares a case of chlamydia with three teenage boys. Non-clergy, of course."
Probie: "I'm sick of that philosophy shit. Why does it always feel like someone's telling me what to do?...Will you cut it out with that faggot-ass philosophy?"
roomie: "Who you calling a faggot, faggot?...You're the faggot!"
Probie: "Yeah okay, Mr. Gay Faggot Guy, standing out on his construction site in his tight little blue jeans."
roomie: "Well look who's talking, Mr. Firefighter in your turnout gear, looking like a lost member of the Village People."
Probie: "Kiss my ass!"
roomie: "Oh, that sounds like something a faggot might say. Faggot!"
Tommy: "That's called communicating with somebody. That's how you make eye contact with 'em. Especially somebody who's living up your ass."
Shiela: "Oh, I'm living up your ass?"
Tommy: "Yeah, you're up my ass!"
Shiela: "I come over here every day, and I deliver medicine. And I cook. And I do laundry. And I clean up shit and piss --"
Tommy: "This speech, I'm so tired of this goddamn speech –"
Shiela: "I got news for you. I couldn't possibly live up your ass, because you've already taken up residence there!"
Parolli: "I don't think anybody'd give a shit. Surprised it took you this long. The way they rag on you, some of the worst shit I've ever seen. Bunch of assholes."
Lou: "She didn't rape anybody. You can't call that rape. If she looked like Don Knotts in drag that'd be one thing, but she was gorgeous. If she's handin' out rapes -- pick me, teacher, pick me!"
Jerry: "Under 18 is statutory rape. That's the law."
Lou: "It's a stupid law. I mean, the other way around, sure. But there's no way that a woman that good-looking is raping a 17-year-old boy unless she bends him over a table and shoves a Swingline stapler up his ass. I mean, in my humble opinion she's providing a valuable service to today's young people. We should be so lucky."
Jimmy: "You jump in the sack with my old lady and now look at you, your own brother puttin' it to your wife….Aw, Jesus! C'mon! Johnny's ex? You sick little bitch!"
June 20, 2006 10:00 pm EST
The crew ignores a call from a black man with chest pains in order to save a busload of trapped children. Al Sharpton publicizes the incident and demands an investigation. His actions unite the black community against the FDNY, causing protests and insults toward the firefighters.
Tommy asks Johnny when he first had sex with Janet, Tommy's ex-wife. Johnny tells him it happened back in high school. In a rage, Tommy rapes Janet. She enjoys it and conceals the rape from current boyfriend Johnny.
Tommy's father is increasingly obsessed with having an heir. Shiela suggests she and Tommy have a baby together, but he refuses as he is planning to donate to a sperm bank. Nell calls Tommy and demands he have sex with her. Despite repeated masturbation, Tommy is unable to make a sperm donation.
Tommy attempts to warn Sean against involvement with Tommy's sister Maggie, as she is unstable and demanding. Sean ignores him.
A drunken Lou tries to commit suicide, but is stopped by a homeless man. Realizing he needs help, he tells Tommy about his problems. Lou moves in with him.
Franco is uncomfortable in his relationship with the wealthy, older Alicia. He tries to tell her about his fears, only to have Alicia state all his concerns more concisely than he could himself. Alicia tells him not to worry and plans to make Franco a part of her life.
Probie and his male roommate engage in oral sex, but vehemently deny that they're gay.
Jerry, trying to earn extra money for his wife's Alzheimer's care, is exhausted and irritated by his bartending job.
Probie: "I mean, we live together and everything, but it's not like we sleep together or kiss or any of that shit."
roomie: "Yeah, it's just blowjobs. They don't count as sex anymore, so it's not like we're even doing anything sexual."
Probie: "Definitely not anything gay…And I'm just gettin' the blowjobs, so I'm REALLY not gay!"
roomie: "Are you saying I'm gayer than you? Don't piss me off! I'll beat your face in, asshole!"
Lou: "Goddamn bunch of juvenile delinquents...Why doncha mind your own business, ya stupid spic?"
Franco: "I saw you drunk off your ass the other night stumbling around in the street like some goddamn bum. Now maybe I'm a stupid spic, Lou, but at least I got my personal shit together."
Tommy: "I think they go in above the knee with a little tube and they suck the cum right outta your leg. What do you think?...I jerk off, okay? I jerk off into a cup or a plastic ice cube tray or something, I dunno. Why?"
Shiela: "When you're at the sperm bank and you are jerking off into a cup, could you think of me?...Because then if we decide to use the sperm at a later date to have a child together, then it would sorta be like we were connected at the moment when it all started."
Tommy shoves Janet onto a couch. He climbs on top of her and rips open her shirt, exposing her bra.
Janet: "Does this make you feel more like a man?"
Janet slaps Tommy and punches him as he pulls down his pants. Tommy rapes Janet, thrusting forward violently. Janet screams as he penetrates her. Tommy thrusts multiple times. Janet becomes calm, then groans and whimpers in pleasure, enjoying the rape. Tommy climbs off of her, and the two resume their conversation as if nothing has happened.
Alicia: "I wanta try this little thing I do with my tongue that we haven't tried before...It's with my tongue and my teeth. It doesn't hurt. No no no, I mean it hurts, but in a good way."
June 13, 2006 10:00 pm EST
Tommy tells Nell Turbody to stop having sex with his nephew (and her student) Damian. Nell insists that Tommy serve as Damian's "replacement" as her sex partner. Nell is disappointed and Tommy concerned that he lacks the stamina of a teenager.
Angered by Tommy's attack on Johnny and his abandonment of their children, Janet threatens to get a lawyer and take everything from Tommy.
Shiela cleans Damian's room, finding date-rape drugs. Damian tells Tommy they are left over from the days when he was a drug dealer and that he is no longer dealing or using.
Teddy tells Tommy he wants to stay in prison, as he is a hero to the prisoners. Teddy urges Tommy to donate to sperm bank.
Tommy enlists Franco's aid in tormenting Sean for having sex with Tommy's sister Maggie.
Alicia buys presents for Franco and Kayla and begins inveigling her way into their lives. After the crew teases Franco for being a "boy toy", Franco returns Alicia's gifts.
Reilly, unable to afford his wife's nursing home care, goes to her brother Bud for money. Bud rejects him. Reilly applies for part-time job as a bartender.
Lou's drinking intensifies. Franco seeing him drunk in public. Lou finds Probie reading "The Tao of Pooh." Lou, thinking of all his problems in his life, is enraged by Probie's acceptance of simple answers to life's questions, but later steals a copy of the book for himself.
Probie, disappointed and questioning life, considers transferring to another station. It is implied that Probie may be in a homosexual relationship.
Reilly: "Shit. I thought you were gonna help me out."
Lou: "Christ, Jerry! What, do I look like, a goddamn ATM machine to you? You track money, go to see a goddamn shylock!"
Franco: "I gotta call my daughter, jerkoffs."
friend: "You better put your dick away, dude, before a ride jumps out and bites it off."
Lou: "You can go to hell. I'll piss where I want."
Lou: "Y'know Mike, I really can't understand how you could be seen in public purchasing this shit."
Probie: "It's not shit…You can't order me to stop reading."
Lou: "I'm not. I'm ordering you to stop filling your mind with this bullshit fortune-cookie philosophy…Gimme the goddamn book. Gimme the goddamn book! That's an order! GIMME YOUR GODDAMN BOOK! Get back here, asshole!"
Tommy: "What the hell's going on?"
Tommy: "Oh my god! Oh yeah!"
Nell: "Say my name!"
Tommy: "Um, uh -- Nell!"
Nell shoves Tommy onto the couch. She mounts him, straddling his crotch. Tommy's face contorts as they begin intercourse.
Nell: "Not 'Nell', stupid! Call me 'Mrs. Turbody'!"
Tommy squeals and shudders as he penetrates her and Nell moves up and down, thrusting her hips onto his groin. Nell throws her head back in ecstasy.
Tommy: "Mrs. Tur—body!"
Tommy gasps and cries out as he has an orgasm. Nell looks disappointed.
Nell: " I'm gonna need you to go again, once I finish this cigarette…If you're gonna fill in for your nephew, you gotta raise your game. Dammy can go 3, 4 times in an hour. Can you keep up the pace or not?"
Tommy: "Older lady with a shitload of money…Get as much as you can while the going's good, that's all I'm sayin'."
Franco: "Well what I'm sayin' is I'm not about that, okay? I don't trade sex for goods like some Arapaho whore. Sex for me is purely about the sex. That's why I'm so goddamned good at it."
Lou: "Speaking of the sex, when you bang her, does the walker get in the way or do you use it for leverage?"
Franco: "You're a jerk, man. An asshole."
May 30, 2006 10:00 pm EST
"Devil" SEASON PREMIERE
Shiela has discovered condoms in her son Danny's room and asks Tommy to have a talk with him. Tommy does so and discovers that Danny is having sex with his high school science teacher, Nell Turbody. Tommy dissuades Danny from continuing the affair, but when he tries to talk to Nell she propositions him.
Tommy's uncle Teddy plans an insanity defense for murdering the drunk driver who killed Tommy's son Connor. Teddy reveals that he expects to lose and has made his peace with remaining in prison.
After being swindled, lied to and betrayed by Candi, Lou is destitute and begins drinking. He discovers that Candi has become an actress in pornographic films and watches them avidly.
Sean is having an affair with Maggie, Tommy's dominating sister, but feels he is betraying Tommy.
Probie is depressed that soon he will be a full-fledged firefighter, but nobody in the crew seems to care or treats him differently.
Reilly learns that the payments to the home where his Alzheimer's-stricken wife is confined are about to go up. He worries where he will find the money.
A newly-instituted "no smoking" policy at the firehouse causes turmoil among the crew. They make a wager to see who can go the longest without smoking.
Tommy's brother Johnny, who has been serving as a go-between with Tommy's wife Janet in settling their divorce, is revealed to be having an affair with her.
Tommy: "Did you piss the bed again?...Goddamn! It's like having a goddamn baby around the house...Watch that shit!"
Mike: "You know how many firemen wish they could be in your shoes, with a pain in the ass wife jumpin' ship? You should be out drinking and dancing and banging young broads, and hopefully knocking one up so you can get a goddamn boy back into this family. We need another set of balls to keep the Gavin family tradition alive in the FDNY."
Tommy tells Mike to wash the sheets. Mike objects.
Mike: "I'm a goddamn war hero, asshole."
Tommy: "Yeah? Well, get your fat goddamn war hero ass into the shower."
Teddy: "This murder one's the best goddamn diet I've ever been on…Every once in a while I feel a little bit guilty about pulling that trigger. I just think about the other people that shit-faced asshole would've ended up killing...How's your dick?"
Tommy: "Outta practice."
Teddy: "Yeah, I know the feeling...Goddamn it Jerry, where the hell are my handcuffs? Jesus!"
Tommy: "He's almost 18 years old. There's porn all over the Internet, okay? All kinds of porn. Hard core, soft core, midgets blowing sheep. I think he's probably pretty up to date."
Danny: "I've been having sex for months now…I'm banging my science teacher."
Tommy: "I've read about these crazy teacher broads having sex with their students. Did she rape you?"
Danny: "No. She seduced me a little. Well, a lot actually."
Tommy: "This is serious stuff. This could scar you for life."
Danny: "I sure as hell hope so!"
Tommy: "Hell, where was Mrs. Turbody when I was in school? I had Sister Mary Shovelface and you get Sharon Stone. Christ!"
Tommy: "Your brain is wired directly to your penis...Your brain is sending the wrong signal to your dick and you can get completely screwed up. It's okay now when you're 18 and you're banging a hot 38 year-old Mrs. Turbody. But then you could turn into a 45 year-old man my age and all of a sudden you want to bang 70 year-old broads...You ever seen your grandmother naked?"
Danny: "Hell no!"
Tommy: "Well, I'm talkin' about seeing her naked and wanting to bang her. You want that? That's completely screwed up!"
Danny: "I can still think about Mrs. Turbody when I'm jerking off, right?"
man: "I'm Rex Longely."
Candi: "Rex. That rhymes with something...How's your DICKtation?"
Maggie: "Every guy I've ever banged who was a friend of Tommy's has said that exact same thing to me at one point or another. It's like you're in love with him and I'm your mistress."
Sean: "No, no, that's not it...Wait a second. How many of Tommy's friends have you --?"
Maggie: "Oh, drop it. Drop it. Because once we get into numbers of any kind, then you're gonna start thinkin', and worryin' and obsessin' and then you're not gonna be able to get it up. You want me to do that toe thing later on?"
Tommy: "When we were his age --"
Jimmy: "I know. Either one of us would've given his left ball for a blowjob from a nun, never mind be bangin' one. I understand. I guess I should be proud of my boy."