Comedy Central's Vulgarity-Filled Celebrity
Roast Proves the Need for Cable Choice
The program description below contain explicit content. Our intent is not
to offend readers, but to offer an accurate description of the program.
On Sunday, August 20, Comedy Central continued
its ignominious tradition of airing its indescribably vulgar annual
Celebrity Roast. This year the honoree was William Shatner. As with
previous airings, this year's roast was filled with obscene language and
sexually explicit jokes.
The most disturbing thing about this broadcast
isn't even the content – it's the fact that more than two-thirds of U.S.
cable subscribers were forced to help subsidize this raunch with their cable
bills because of the cable industry's regime of forced-extortion. Whether
or not you want this kind of programming coming into your home, if you are a
cable subscriber, part of your cable bill went toward underwriting this
Central Roast of William Shatner:
Jason Alexander hosts. Roasters include Betty
White, Andy Dick, Nichelle Nichols, Fred Willard, George Takei and Farrah
Greg Giraldo talks about Jason
Greg: "You've been in more
turds than Andy Dick's penis."
Giraldo: "Look at this.
Nichelle Nichols, Farrah Fawcett and Betty White. I'll take 'Women I would
masturbate to 30 years ago' for $1000, Alex. Somebody get me a time machine
so I can crank a couple out. What a cruel joke. Three women you'd wanna
(bleeped fuck) thirty years ago, and one I wouldn't (bleeped fuck) thirty
beers from now. Farrah Fawcett! God, were you a 70s icon. That poster of you
in the bathing suit, holy (bleeped shit). That poster caused more DNA to be
spilled than a crime lab technician with Parkinson's disease."
Giraldo insults George Takei.
Giraldo: "I know it couldn't be
easy being a gay Japanese man in the 50s. It had to be almost impossible to
pronounce 'glory hole' with a Japanese accent."
Giraldo insults Jeff Ross.
Giraldo: "Jeff is such a huge
(bleeped asshole) you won't have to spit on your (bleeped dick) first."
Ross: "What the (bleeped fuck)
is on your head right now?...Hang up the hairpiece. Or at least set it free
in the park before Andy Dick tries to (bleeped fuck) it...Andy Dick's sole
mission in life is to give AIDS back to the monkeys."
Artie Lang: "It's hard hangin'
out with a gay guy all day, because you always feel like you have to adjust
the conversation so they can relate to it, y'know. Like with George I go 'So
George, I was watchin' the Super Bowl -- I mean, sucking (bleeped
cock)'...Andy was loaded while he was driving his car and he rammed into a
pole. This is a big turnaround for Andy cause usually when he's loaded a
pole is getting rammed into him."
Ben Stiller reads a letter
Shatner supposedly sent him when he was a boy.
Ben: "'Dear Ben (bleeped
shit)-for-brains, nice (bleeped fucking) letter, (bleeped dick) lick...Did
you stick that crayon in your ass and squat over the page?' How drunk were
you when you wrote this letter in that hotel room surrounded by whores and
pills?...'Why don't you go grab your dad's crowbar and pop your head out of
your ass and check out my new show "Barbary Coast"...It's about...San
Francisco, which is the perfect town for a mincy little teabag like you. Or
better yet, save a stamp and call up George Takei. It would make his day
knowing that a ten-year-old boy wants some photos from him. And I'm sure
he'd want some of you right back'...I did contact Mr. Takei and he invited
me over to his place. And then he told me his lap was a transporter and it
would beam me to Heaven."
Stiller flips Shatner off.
Andy Dick appears in a Star
Trek costume and Spock ears.
Andy Dick: "I took off the Andy
Dick costume and I got more comfortable. My real true name is Andy Kock.
That's cock with a K. It's actually a combination to two names -- Kirk and
Dick reads from a "captain's
Dick [reading]: "'I was just
exiting the shower tonight when Spock entered my quarters. He stared at me
hungrily, like Lt. Uhura eyeing a plate of ribs. I said 'Spock -- why aren't
you -- manning your post'? 'Captain, when was the last time you had your
bunghole Vulcanized?' He mounted me, boldly going where only a few guys back
in college had gone before. For a being with no emotions, his meat hammer
sure seemed to be angry with my butt. Spock did give me the reacharound, or
as he called it the Vulcan Teat Pinch. Then he fired off his photon
torpedoes deep inside my wormhole.'...Our guest of honor was impregnated. I
am the illegitimate butt baby of Kirk and Spock. Kock!"
Patton Oswalt: "Lisa Lampanelli
has (bleeped fucked) more black men than the Tuskeegee experiments...You
know how much bling gets left in Lisa's (bleeped snatch)? It's like a
pawnshop down there. Last night Carlos Mencia tried to rob it. Luckily he
passed out from the smell."
Takei addresses Jason: "Great
job tonight. And a great job last night, too."
Jason wipes his mouth....
Takei: "It smells like pussy in
here. I think. Andy Dick is here tonight...Andy and I have met many times.
Until tonight, I'd never seen the front of his head."...
Takei insults Shatner's toupee.
Takei: "Your hair is like my
men. Every year it gets darker and thicker. All night long I've had to stare
at that tangled, sticky, messy clump of fur. Farrah, please close your legs.
At least Betty White had the decency to shave. Bill, your acting is the only
thing that makes me want to gag. If I could only get my partner to suck that
hard, I'd never leave my chateau...Bill is a generous actor. He gave
Nichelle Nichols herpes."
Andy Dick tries to lick
Nichelle Nichols. Jeff Ross kisses Takei full on the mouth. Takei licks his
Takei: "If Artie is my cuddly
muffin, Bill, you are a rich, gooey devil's food cake that I want to drop my
face into...I can finally say what I've waited forty years to say: (bleeped
fuck) you and the horse you rode in on!"
Lisa insults Jason Alexander.
Lisa: "Kiss me, you fat
(bleeped fag). I've always wanted to see what Jerry Seinfeld's (bleeped
cock) tastes like."
Lisa insults Shatner.
Lisa: "Don't kill yourself.
Then Uhura over there won't have anyone's house to clean. I kid. I love you
Nichelle -- or as they called you on the Enterprise, mammy...When Elton John
heard William Shatner sing 'Rocket Man,' he spit George Takei's (bleeped
dick) out of his mouth. George Takei. Being Japanese and gay isn't all bad,
right George? It has its benefits. You can bow down to say hello and take it
in the (bleeped ass) at the same time. But enough about the Chinaman."
Shatner states that Star Trek
broke a lot of stereotypes.
Shatner: "Not only did we take
a chance and allow an Asian gentleman to drive, we had a black woman sitting
in front of a large screen who didn't yell things at it. George, I had no
idea it would be so rough on you tonight. They really ripped you a new one.
I'm sure you'll find a use for it. The guy's my friend to suck my (bleeped
cock) for forty years. George, for the last time, I will not let you suck my
(bleeped cock)! And Nichelle, thank you very much. Andy Dick...you were very
good in...George Takei's mouth...Kevin Pollack, I'm glad my vast talents
have been able to make you rich. You've gotten more out of doing me than any
woman I've ever slept with, and that includes your wife...Farrah, you really
should stay out of the sun. Your skin looks so much like fried chicken that
Nichelle's mouth is watering. But Farrah's a wonderful actress. She did that
great movie 'The Burning Bed,' not to be confused with Andy Dick's project
'The Burning Butt'...Patton Oswalt, this guy's like a stalker. He wanted to
get so close to me he shoved my action figure up his ass. He's such a
hard-core geek he didn't even take it out of the box...Why is everyone who's
inspired by me such a fat (bleeped fucking) loser?...Who the hell are you
people?...Damn right!...Whack off to Lisa Lampanelli."