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Worst TV Show of the Week

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Melrose Place on CW


The CW can’t find enough double entendres to promote its remake of the ‘90s hit, Melrose Place, (Tuesdays at 9:00 p.m. ET.)  “Tuesday’s the new humpday.”  “Ménage-a-Tues.”  “Lauren’s on call again.  But not at the hospital.”  Sometimes, with other CW series, the promos are racier than the actual show, but in this case, the material lives down to the hype.  For explicit sexual content, the September 15th episode of Melrose Place has been named Worst TV Show of the Week.


As expected, each character has a tawdry little secret no one else knows about.  In the case of the character, Lauren Yung, she’s a medical student who can’t pay her tuition.  So what does she do?  Naturally, she becomes a prostitute.  (Apparently, no one has told her about a nifty thing called a “student loan.”)  After her father goes bankrupt and can no longer pay her tuition, a wealthy acquaintance offers her five thousand dollars to have sex with him -- coincidentally, the amount of the installment she must pay to the university.  She takes the gentleman up on his offer and sleeps with him.  The installment, though, isn’t enough.  The university threatens to kick her out if she doesn’t come up with next semester’s tuition in full – over $30,000.  Conveniently, the gentleman just happens to know another handsome, ridiculously wealthy friend who evidently can’t find women to sleep with him either.  With her financial woes hitting rock bottom, she is tempted to turn another trick.  (Really, this is rock bottom?  A brilliant med-student living in a nice apartment on Melrose?  Still sounds like the fertile top soil, right?  At any rate…) It doesn’t take much beyond a Tony-Robbins-esque motivational speech from one of her neighbors to convince Lauren, Yeah!  I won’t let anything stand in the way of my dreams, not even sexually transmitted diseases.    


Apparently, Lauren is a quick study.  She impresses her second john so much that he asks her to spend the night.


"I really like you, Lauren,” he says.  “I've - you know - I've hired other girls before, but I've never felt this kind of connection.  Maybe we can try this for real.  I mean, you seemed like you were having fun tonight."


"At the party?” she asks, “Where my friends almost found out I'm selling my body to the highest bidder. I'm just trying to give you what you paid for, Rick.  If that means pretending to like Indian food and pear martinis, fine.  I want my money.  I want to go home."


Indian food and pear martinis are the least of her worries. Yet, Lauren inexplicably continues down this sleazy path.


Speaking of sleaze, Ella – the aspiring Hollywood publicist – can dish it out and take it.  When she attempts to convince a hot actor, Jaspar Barnes, to sign with her, he gives her some professional advice: "If you really wanted to make the right impression, you wouldn't be prattling on about overexposure, you'd be unbuttoning my trousers."


"I don't take on small jobs," Ella snaps back.


"Maybe I'll set up a proper meeting with you, talk about my long term needs.  Only if tonight, you focus on my more immediate one," he says as he glances down at his crotch. 


"Follow me," Ella orders.


She leads him to a more private area and tells him to drop his pants.  He gladly obliges.


"Mmm, nice,” Ella compliments him.  “You see what's in my hand, you dumb ass?" She takes a photo of his crotch with her phone.  “You want my two cents as a publicist?  One, put your junk away, just because it's British doesn't make it any less offensive. Two, when Andy Dick calls, asking you to co-host the Spike TV awards, the one and only answer is no.  When you're out in public, everything single thing you do is one click away from being texted to Perez.  Told you you were overexposed."  She starts to walk away. "Oh, and by the way, I deleted it.  Ta-ta!"


Her brazen stunt wins him over and he signs with her.


Ratings for Melrose Place have been abysmal.  A disappointing series premiere was followed by an even worse second episode.  It seems as if the CW over-estimated the audience’s appetite for sex-soaked melodrama. 


Given the poor viewership, there’s one more promo worth noting.  It shows the cast lounging in and around the pool.  The caption reads, “See you next Tuesday.”  Apparently, audiences are ignoring that, too. 


For blatantly tawdry sexual content, Melrose Place has been named Worst TV Show of the Week.


Worst TV Show of the Week

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