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The CW can’t find enough double
entendres to promote its remake of the ‘90s hit, Melrose Place, (Tuesdays
at 9:00 p.m. ET.) “Tuesday’s the new humpday.” “Ménage-a-Tues.” “Lauren’s on
call again. But not at the hospital.” Sometimes, with other CW series, the
promos are racier than the actual show, but in this case, the material lives
down to the hype. For explicit sexual content, the September 15th
episode of Melrose Place has been named Worst TV Show of the Week.
As expected, each character has
a tawdry little secret no one else knows about. In the case of the character,
Lauren Yung, she’s a medical student who can’t pay her tuition. So what does
she do? Naturally, she becomes a prostitute. (Apparently, no one has told her
about a nifty thing called a “student loan.”) After her father goes bankrupt
and can no longer pay her tuition, a wealthy acquaintance offers her five
thousand dollars to have sex with him -- coincidentally, the amount of the
installment she must pay to the university. She takes the gentleman up on his
offer and sleeps with him. The installment, though, isn’t enough. The
university threatens to kick her out if she doesn’t come up with next semester’s
tuition in full – over $30,000. Conveniently, the gentleman just happens to
know another handsome, ridiculously wealthy friend who evidently can’t find
women to sleep with him either. With her financial woes hitting rock bottom,
she is tempted to turn another trick. (Really, this is rock bottom? A
brilliant med-student living in a nice apartment on Melrose? Still sounds like
the fertile top soil, right? At any rate…) It doesn’t take much beyond a
Tony-Robbins-esque motivational speech from one of her neighbors to convince
Lauren, Yeah! I won’t let anything stand in the way of my dreams, not even
sexually transmitted diseases.
Apparently, Lauren is a quick
study. She impresses her second john so much that he asks her to spend the
"I really like you, Lauren,” he
says. “I've - you know - I've hired other girls before, but I've never felt
this kind of connection. Maybe we can try this for real. I mean, you seemed
like you were having fun tonight."
"At the party?” she asks,
“Where my friends almost found out I'm selling my body to the highest bidder.
I'm just trying to give you what you paid for, Rick. If that means pretending
to like Indian food and pear martinis, fine. I want my money. I want to go
Indian food and pear martinis
are the least of her worries. Yet, Lauren inexplicably continues down this
Speaking of sleaze, Ella – the
aspiring Hollywood publicist – can dish it out and take it. When she attempts
to convince a hot actor, Jaspar Barnes, to sign with her, he gives her some
professional advice: "If you really wanted to make the right impression, you
wouldn't be prattling on about overexposure, you'd be unbuttoning my trousers."
"I don't take on small jobs,"
Ella snaps back.
"Maybe I'll set up a proper
meeting with you, talk about my long term needs. Only if tonight, you focus on
my more immediate one," he says as he glances down at his crotch.
"Follow me," Ella orders.
She leads him to a more private
area and tells him to drop his pants. He gladly obliges.
"Mmm, nice,” Ella compliments
him. “You see what's in my hand, you dumb ass?" She takes a photo of his crotch
with her phone. “You want my two cents as a publicist? One, put your junk
away, just because it's British doesn't make it any less offensive. Two, when
Andy Dick calls, asking you to co-host the Spike TV awards, the one and only
answer is no. When you're out in public, everything single thing you do is one
click away from being texted to Perez. Told you you were overexposed." She
starts to walk away. "Oh, and by the way, I deleted it. Ta-ta!"
Her brazen stunt wins him over
and he signs with her.
Ratings for Melrose Place
have been abysmal. A disappointing series premiere was followed by an even
worse second episode. It seems as if the CW over-estimated the audience’s
appetite for sex-soaked melodrama.
Given the poor viewership,
there’s one more promo worth noting. It shows the cast lounging in and around
the pool. The caption reads, “See you next Tuesday.” Apparently, audiences are
ignoring that, too.
For blatantly tawdry sexual
content, Melrose Place has been named Worst TV Show of the Week.
Parents Television Council,
Clean Up TV Now, Because our children are watching, The
nation's most influential advocacy organization, Protecting
children against sex, violence and profanity in
entertainment, Parents Television Council Seal of Approval,
and Family Guide to Prime Time Television
are trademarks of the Parents Television Council.