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Two and a Half Men on CBS

Last fall, Modern Family premiered with favorable reviews that lauded the show for its kinder, gentler touch. This past Sunday, the show was awarded an Emmy for Outstanding Comedy series, sparking what will hopefully be a mad dash for networks to fill their broadcast line-up with shows that are about something other than cheap sexual innuendo.

Before that happens, though, viewers still must contend with low-brow, boorish garbage like Two and Half Men (Mondays 9:00 p.m.) The rerun that aired on August 29^th was a stark reminder that while television might be trending toward family values, there are some notable hold-outs that revel in family wreckage.

For strong sexual content Two and a Half Men has been named Worst TV Show of the Week.

As is often the case, the show begins in the bedroom. Alan and his girlfriend, Lindsay, are kissing underneath the covers when her sixteen-year-old son, Eldridge, interrupts their pre-coital ritual.

Eldridge: “Please don’t tell me you’re doing Jake’s loser dad.”

Lindsey (yelling): “I’m a divorced mother with a 16-year-old son. I can’t be picky. Now shut your pie hole.”

They continue to kiss but are soon in disturbed by Eldridge’s loud music.

Lindsey (yelling): "Turn down the freaking music!"

Eldridge: "I don't want to hear you having sex!"

Lindsey: "Put on the headphones!  That's why I bought them for you."

Later, in order to ensure more privacy, Alan books a hotel room for the night. Alan’s son Jake, however, is grounded and has to stay at home, but Charlie refuses to babysit him because he has hired a prostitute to come over for role-playing sex. As Alan attempts to rush out of the garage, he begs Charlie, “Please, I already took a Cialis. Don’t make me stay with a boner.” Eventually, Alan gives Charlie the slip and Charlie subsequently orders Jake to leave the house.

As Alan and Lindsey drive to the hotel, she asks if they can stop by the drug store.

Alan: "Oh, don't worry. I’ve got enough condoms for us to golf our brains out."

Lindsey: "Oh, actually I have to get some tampons."

Alan: "Oh, you mean just in case."

Lindsey: "’Fraid not, sorry."

Alan: “No, no, don’t be silly. This is more about us spending quality time than anything else.”

Lindsey: “Glad you feel that way. Nevertheless, I do have a plan B.”

Alan: "Oh, what's that?"

Lindsey: "Plan B, Alan, it goes with my plan J."

Meanwhile, Charlie sits in bed as the prostitute he has hired saunters out of the bathroom, wearing a black lace negligee. Since Charlie paid for the “girlfriend experience,” she’s willing to do anything he wants. He tells her to sit in bed next to him and read a magazine while he watches Sportscenter.  Once that is done, the hooker asks:

Hooker: "What kind of sex does Charlie want?"

Charlie: "Oh, hard to pick.  It's kind of like Baskin Robbins.  You know, if they charged $1000 a scoop."

Hooker: "And sprinkles are way extra."

Charlie: "My favorite kind of sex is make up sex."

Hooker: "You're kidding."

Charlie: "It's great.  Here's how it works.  I will do or say something that will really irritate you."

Hooker: "I can imagine that."

He then explains that they need to have a fight, pout, sulk, and then realize they are over it.

Charlie: "Then I'll take you in my arms and we'll hump our brains out."

Back at the hotel, Alan lays out a spread of champagne, strawberries and oysters. Lindsey, though, is stuck in the bathroom dealing with her menstrual issues.

Lindsey: “For God’s sake, it’s like the horse head scene in The Godfather.”

Alan: “Could be worse. Could be the prom scene from Carrie.”

When she finally emerges from the bathroom ready to set “Plan B(J)” in motion, Alan leaps out of bed because the oysters he ate have gotten him sick. From inside the bathroom, he suggests Lindsey should turn on the television to drown out the sound of his impending diarrhea.

Hookers, menstruation, oral sex, and diarrhea. Classy.

In light of Modern Family’s Emmy win, Two and a Half Men not only seems especially crass and vulgar, but also out of touch. Kind words are hardly ever exchanged between adults and children on this show. The examples the adults set are appalling. Sex, not family, is the main priority. Here’s hoping Two and a Half Men and puerile shows of its ilk continue to lose their cultural relevance. Too bad CBS didn’t get the memo before it picked up, @#$% My Dad Says.

For sexually explicit content, Two and a Half Men has been named Worst TV Show of the Week.