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Worst TV Show of the Week

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Family Guy on Fox


A recent post on Entertainment Weekly’s PopWatch Blog adroitly pointed out: “It’s not Christmas that Hollywood hates—it’s Santa Claus.” The post went on to specifically point out the Family Guy (Sundays, 9:00 p.m. ET) episode that aired on December 12th, in which Stewie and Brian plot to kill jolly old St. Nick. The ensuing Yuletide blood bath has garnered the episode the dubious title of Worst TV Show of the Week for excessive violence, not to mention explicit sexual content.

The holiday special began as most do: a slow pan from a yule log blazing in the fireplace to a wizened, portly old man with a soothing voice greeting the viewers. Except this portly old man isn’t exactly Wilfred Brimley. He’s Seth McFarlane’s father, who proves that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. He tells the audience, “Kenny Rogers was supposed to be here but I think he's dead. Anyway, Seth came out of my penis and now he made this.”

Yet another one of McFarlane’s tedious, self-indulgent musical number follows, in which the characters sing their Christmas wish list with lyrics like:


Quagmire: “Japanese girls with no restraint, just to choke me ‘til I faint.”

Quagmire is strapped to a table while Japanese dominatrices in leather lingerie tug on his collar and whip him while he dangles unconscious.

Newscaster: “I want a golden mustache comb.”

A female newscaster appears from under the desk (presumably while performing oral sex).

Female Newscaster: “And some spermicidal foam!”

The male newscaster pushes her head back down.


Later, Stewie visits Santa at the mall. When Santa brushes him off, he resolves to travel to the North Pole: “I'm gonna see the workshop, pet a few reindeer, take a few pictures of me and Santa, and then I'm gonna blow his brains out, hopefully with his bitch-wife watching.”

Accompanied by Brian, the pair locate Santa’s workshop and quickly discover that it is more like a sweatshop. Santa explains that society’s voracious, empty consumerism has forced him and his elves to work themselves nearly to death. The once jovial elves have been replaced by a horde of brain-dead mutant elves upon which the feral, ravenous reindeer feed.

Stewie and Brian decide to help Santa, and thereby save Christmas, by delivering the presents for him. But at the first house that they visit, the man of the house finds the pair arguing in his kitchen. He threatens to call the police. Panicked, Stewie beats the man savagely with a bat. They drag the man’s bloody body to a closet, but then realize that he’s still alive. Stewie bludgeons him some more as the man’s daughter and wife walk down the stairs. The wife notices the blood trail leading to the closet, and her husband’s battered head flops out. She scoops up her daughter and attempts to flee, but Brian tackles her and Stewie knocks her unconscious with the bat as her daughter screams in horror. Stewie gags the little girl with duct tape and straps her to a chair. Brian and Stewie flee as they hear police sirens approach.

Upon realizing the impossibly difficult task of satisfying the entire world’s voracious appetite for gifts, Brian starts a campaign for people to limit their wish list to one item. In the end, moderation saves Christmas.

Nothing, however, not even a labored critique of blind consumerism, can save this episode from its terrifying violence and crude sexual humor.  Forget naughty or nice. This show was simply nauseating, and rightfully deserves the title of Worst TV Show of the Week.

Worst TV Show of the Week

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