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Worst TV Show of the Week

Two and a Half Men on CBS

When it was announced that Ashton Kutcher would replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, viewers undoubtedly wondered whether the show would lose its edge. After all, the only person that could outdo Charlie Sheen is Charlie Sheen. Well, a few episodes into the Kutcher era, it’s become clear whatever edge may have been lost, Alan – Charlie’s hapless brother, played by Jon Cryer - quickly found it. With Kutcher’s character, Walden, still pining for his ex-wife, Alan has had to do more of the pervy-lifting. And thanks to his lewd storyline involving a “master baker”, the October 17^th episode earned the title of Worst TV Show of the Week.

The show opened with Alan in his underwear showing off his skinny, pallid legs as he eagerly waits for his girlfriend, Lyndsey, to come to bed. She emerges from the bathroom with a loud belch and announces that she’s too full from their fancy, expensive meal to have sex. Problem is, Alan has just popped a Viagra. “It’s just kind of a shame to waste them,” Alan goads, “but there are other ways you could reimburse me that wouldn’t require a lot of effort on your part.”

Lyndsey kicks him out of the room and he wanders into the living room where Walden is watching TV. Alan flips the channels until he finds some racy adult content: “Cinnamon’s Buns, a selection from the classic era of soft-core cable porn.” A woman who bears a striking resemblance to Lyndsey plays a 17^th Century wench being taught how to bake by a shirt-less, oily “Master Baker.” The dialogue contains cheesy lines like: “Anoint thy muffins with my frosting…Master Baker, whatever are you doing?”  “I’m going to put my loaf in your oven.”

Walden asks Alan, “If I wasn’t here, would you be masturbating?”

Alan replies, “Are you kidding? I’d be done and fixing a sandwich.”

Off screen, we can hear the 17^th Century wench orgasm in the movie.

Walden announces, “Okay, I’m going to go upstairs and masturbate.”

Alan continues to watch Lyndsey perform. “Oh, Master Baker!” she screams.

“Boy, she never let me do that to her,” Alan muses. “Until now.” He begins to disrobe, evidently to masturbate in the living room.

Later, Alan confronts Lyndsey about her sordid acting career. She turns the tables on him and asks if he has any secrets he’s keep from her.

“When I was a little boy,” Alan begins, “we had a dog named Rusty, who loved peanut butter. And my brother convinced me that the best way to feed him was to smear it on my testicles. No surprise, that dog got very, very fat.”

Alan proceeds to tell her other embarrassing low points in his life (thankfully, no more confessions of bestiality) – which compel Lyndsey to break up with him.

Walden decides to cheer Alan up by throwing him a party. Walden has invited the Malibu College Beach Volleyball Team to slather him in chocolate and whipped cream as they eat marijuana-laced brownies.

The word “sophomoric” comes to mind when reviewing this episode. In an attempt to seem edgy, the show trots out hackneyed, puerile and deviant tropes: a hidden porn past, bestiality, pot-brownies. Show creator Chuck Lorre have managed the seemingly difficult feat of being disgusting and dull simultaneously.

For sexually explicit content, Two and a Half Men has been named Worst TV Show of the Week.