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Are You There, Chelsea? on NBC

Entertainment Weekly’s Editor-at-Large Ken Tucker’s review of Are You There, Chelsea? (Wednesdays, 8:30 p.m. ET) was as pithy as it was scathing:

"A 30-minute sitcom starring the likable Laura Prepon, based on autobiographical work by Chelsea Handler, with numerous remarks about being drunk and approximately 79 euphemisms for the word 'vagina,' all of which substituted for jokes. D+"

That was the entire review. The fact that Tucker refused to spend more than 35 words (not counting the “D” and the “+”) on this series demonstrates how much regard he has for it. This column, however, has plenty more to say, because Are You There, Chelsea? has rightly been named Worst TV Show of the Week.  

The main problem with Are You There, Chelsea? is the program’s two-track mind. Track one: sex; track two: drinking. (There is a third track, if you count the show's totally necessary laugh track.) Robert Bianco of USA Today wrote, “News flash: Some women like to drink and have sex. A lot. There. You’ve absorbed everything Are You There, Chelsea? has to offer.” So when Chelsea ends up in a holding cell after a drunk driving arrest, there is no authentic reality check for her. Chelsea narrates: “I did what I do when I really screw up: I prayed…Are you there, vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. I know I messed up, but if you let me out of this cell, I swear I’ll turn my life around.”

Chelsea’s Christian pregnant sister, Sloane -- played by the real-life Chelsea Handler, on whose books and life the sitcom is based -- bails her out. Of course, Handler plays Sloane as a joyless, embittered, judgmental, stick-in-the-mud, as if there is no other way to depict someone devoutly religious. Her concern for Chelsea is hollow, more annoyed than worried, and the DUI arrest is merely an occasion for passive-aggressive self-righteousness. “Thank you for getting arrested, by the way. I really enjoyed using a prison toilet for the first time. And hopefully, my unborn baby will enjoy her chlamydia.”

The turnaround Chelsea had promised is nowhere to be seen, unless one counts her living arrangements. She finds an apartment within walking distance from the bar where she waitresses, which only encourages her dipsomania. “This is how life works for me. I get a DUI, and then all of a sudden an apartment within walking distance from work just mysteriously opens up. Well, if I’m that close I should probably drink more.” No consequences, not one moment of self-reflection.

Chelsea’s sex life is equally shallow and meaningless. When she starts to date Jonathan, a red-headed man she meet at the bar, his hair color becomes the centerpiece of her jokes. As they make out on her bed, Chelsea begins to undress him.

Chelsea (voice-over):  “When I had made peace with the drapes, I had forgotten about the carpet.”

Chelsea unzips his pants and looks down.

Chelsea (voice-over):  “Good Lord, it was like a clown in a leg lock.”

Jonathan:  “What's the matter?”

Chelsea:  “You got a lot going on down there. It's cute.  It's like red Easter grass.  Little dense though.  Could be bunnies in there.”

Chelsea suggests trimming his pubic hair, but as she searches for scissors she receives a phone call from her father. Jonathan starts to gather his clothes.

Chelsea:  “Wait, don't put your clothes on. We could just turn off the light.”

All of Chelsea’s relationships, romantic or otherwise, are mined not for their authenticity, but their wisecrack-ability. Take her friendship with Olivia, the only relationship Chelsea seems to really value. Olivia –- who aspires to be a journalist and is the only character on the program with any real ambition -- feels under-utilized as a voice of reason, a moral compass, a motivator. Instead, she’s a sounding board for the aforementioned vagina references.

The show would have been far more interesting if the surrounding characters delved into what they actually are: enablers.

Unfortunately, judging by a recent article in TV Guide, it doesn’t sound like future episodes will change much; the program will be just round after round of booze and men. Apparently, the crew has a running tally of Chelsea’s sexual conquests through the first 10 episodes. “It’s 11 guys and one dog,” Prepon says. She further quips, “Standards and Practices are our new best friend.”

Given the harsh critical reception, perhaps – like a concerned bartender – viewers will decide it’s time to cut Chelsea off.