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Are You There, Chelsea? on NBC

The January 18^th episode of NBC’s Are You There, Chelsea? (Wednesdays, 8:30 p.m. ET) has been named Worst TV Show of the Week for the second week in a row. There is a pattern developing, and it is not just the frequency of the show appearing in this column. The real pattern is the depiction of Chelsea’s sex life. Every week brings a new guy, and a new sex problem. After only two weeks, the formula is already old.

In the pilot episode, Chelsea dates a red-head and finds his “carpet” more distracting than his “drapes.” In the second episode, Chelsea sleeps with her sister’s ex-boyfriend Matt, and can’t believe it when he reveals that her sister, Sloane, was better in bed. After her date, Chelsea dishes about the revelation with her roommates, Olivia and Dee Dee (a genophobic virgin), and co-workers, Rick and Todd.

Chelsea:  “It got kind of freaky.”

Olivia:  “Really? So, what's he into?”

Chelsea:  “Sloane. Matt said that sex with me was amazing, but apparently not as amazing as it was with my sister.”

Rick:  “Wow. Sloane, huh? I didn't know she had it in her.”

Chelsea:  “She did, and apparently it was very happy…I just don't know what she did that was so great.”

Rick:  “I don’t know. Maybe Sloane was just more demure.”

Chelsea:  “Since when is that sexy?  How many pornos do you see called ‘Debbie Does Quilting?’”

Todd:  “I'd give that a once-over.”

Olivia:  “Remember? She did spend a week in Thailand with her tenth grade class.” 

Chelsea:  “Maybe she learned to shoot ping pong balls—“

Dee Dee:  “Oh, that cat isn't gonna feed itself. Bye!”

Obsessed with proving she’s better in bed than her sister, Chelsea asks Sloane what turned Matt on the most. Sloane lies, telling her Matt is into “baby play.”

Needless to say, Chelsea loses yet another man. In the episode’s ham-fisted final scene, Chelsea continues to prod Sloane into telling her what she did that made sex so great. Sloane replies, “You really want to know?...Three words: I loved him.” Chelsea replies, “Okay, uh-huh, and then you did what?” Sloane expresses genuine concern about Chelsea finding real love not just the next orgasm. And for a brief moment, the show finally seems honest…until it turns to a “coming attractions” preview. Tune in next week, when Chelsea tries to bed one of Sloane’s attractive congregation members -- who happens to be a virgin!

Here we go again.

For lewd sexual content Are You There, Chelsea? has been named Worst TV Show of the Week.