Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels
on VH1
Episode Summary
WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT
Maybe the third time’s a charm for Brett Michaels in his
search for true love…but probably not. Along the way, he’ll be sure to indulge
his puerile fantasies, this time on wheels. Brett’s bevy of buxom, boozing,
beauties board the bus with him for a cross-country concert tour that will
culminate in one lucky woman becoming Brett’s new squeeze … that is, until the
fourth installment gets ready to shoot. VH1’s Rock of Love Bus (Sundays,
9:00 p.m. ET) sets the bar even lower, if that’s possible. (It’s a bad sign
when a Penthouse model is one of the classier women on the show.) For
demeaning depictions of women, references to genitalia, and for belittling the
institution of marriage, Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels on VH1 has
been named Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.
The episode begins with some sage advice from the previous
episode, wherein a contestant was eliminated for drinking liquor from a shot
glass that she placed inside another contestant’s vagina. “Note to self,”
Farrah counsels, “don’t show your va-jay-jay in public.” Barring that, though,
the women on the January 11th episode had no qualms showing pretty much
everything else. For their first elimination challenge, Bret asked them to
write their wedding vows and instructed them to dress appropriately for his
rock-star wedding. Most of the girls squeezed themselves into corsets, garter
belts, and fishnet stockings, causing the lone abstainer, Beverly, to comment,
“If I’m marrying Bret Michaels I’m not walking down the aisle looking like a
freaking hooker.” Ashley, however, summed up Bret’s marriage criteria thusly:
“I think Bret wants somebody hot. He’s gonna want somebody that stands out and
has big t***.”
The vows weren’t much more serious. Farrah offered Bret the
following: “Occasionally, you can hit…” (the rest of the sentence was bleeped,
but she turned her backside to him and waved her fanny.) Another woman vowed
“to never, ever, ever wear panties.” The women also bestowed gifts upon the
groom. Brittanya gave Bret one of her piercings with the instructions “to find
out where this belongs and put it back.” As it turned out, it was a vaginal
piercing. Ironically, Taya, the Penthouse model, was disgusted -- even
though she give Bret the underwear she wore for her first magazine spread. But,
as is often the case, the women responded by being tawdrier than thou. When the
ladies took turns giving Bret lap dances, Brittaney turned up the heat by
changing into a skimpy bikini and performing an aggressive dance replete with a
rear-in-the-air headstand from Bret’s crotch.
During intimate one-on-one conversations, Bret learned that
one woman is different. Constandina has taken a religious vow not to have
“all-the-way” sex for three years. She explains, “I really respect my body. My
body is my temple and I believe that the human body is just a very beautiful and
sacred thing.” Bret, of course, kicked her off the show.
For viewers with any sense of decorum, the “Rock of Love” bus
is one ride they definitely should avoid. For purveying perversity – and forcing
every cable subscriber to pay for it -- Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels
is the Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.
