The sad streak continues. 

On a recent episode of the FX’s network’s execrable Nip/Tuck, a well-endowed yoga instructor sought a penis reduction to keep him from performing autofellatio.  The theme of self-gratification reappeared in the program’s February 24^th episode, which featured a character who really, really loves furniture.  Thus, for the third week in a row, this column is singling out Nip/Tuck (Tuesdays, 10:00 p.m. ET) as the Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.  

When Dr. Christian Troy discovers that he has terminal cancer, he decides to leave his practice and marry Liz, a former co-worker (and former lesbian).  Christian finds a suitable replacement with impeccable tastes, one Dr. Logan Taper.  During his job interview, Logan compliments Christian on the furniture in his office.  Christian is sufficiently impressed by Logan and invites him to team up with Sean on a complete makeover of a former patient who, in a previous season, had her lips surgically reconstructed using the labial folds of her vagina.  In the operating room, Logan notices the top-of-the-line surgical table.  “Work with the best,” Sean beams, “you can never go wrong.”  Logan displays his skill in the operating room and offers to help Sean scout spots for Christian’s bachelor party.  They go to a strip club and receive the royal treatment from scantily clad dancers.  But Sean is in no mood to party.  Christian’s planned departure has made him pensive.  Logan ensures him that if given a chance, he can make the partnership work.  Subsequently, Logan is given the keys to his new office – replete with the gorgeous furniture he so admired.

Once Logan is finally alone in the office, his compulsions overcome him.  He wipes down the desk, bends over, and sensuously licks the top of it.  But his true object of desire is the lime-green, vintage tweed sofa.  It beckons him, emitting light and moaning suggestively like a woman.  Logan strips naked and spreads the cushions apart.  Sean and Christian walk in on him as Logan gives the phrase “couch-surfing” a whole new meaning.  Sean and Christian undoubtedly need an explanation:

CHRISTIAN: “Looked like you were screwing an invisible woman on my couch.”

LOGAN: “There was no invisible woman.”

SEAN: You were screwing the couch?

LOGAN: “Gentlemen, I am completely embarrassed, so let me apologize and explain. I struggle with object sexuality…I do have normal relationships with women, they're just not as satisfying. There's a long history of gender assignments with cars, boats, buildings...”

CHRISTIAN: “The difference is, I've never stuck my d*** in a tailpipe.”

Naturally, Logan is fired.  But before he leaves, he bids farewell to the surgical table.  He is shown vigorously pumping the table with his bare-buttocks exposed.    

Nip/Tuck has become a compendium of sexual deviance.  The writers seem to pluck storylines from whatever fetish they happen to come across or dream up in their perverted minds.  While this approach apparently delights the pathetically small coterie of die-hard fans of the show, millions of cable subscribers who are not obsessed with bizarre sex have nevertheless been forced to subsidize this program for years. So long as FX continues to extort money from every cable and satellite subscriber, the PTC will remain adamant in its goal: to empower cable subscribers with the ability to choose (and pay for) only those channels they actually want to watch.

For consistently offering up graphic and disturbing sexual content, Nip/Tuck has been named the Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.

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