The cable network Nickelodeon is supposedly provides entertainment for kids; but the network’s executives and former Disney head Michael Eisner apparently think graphic sexual innuendo and bloody violence are the perfect ingredients for a classy kids’ show. Shown on Monday, September 28^th at 8:00 p.m. ET (only 7 p.m. in the Central and Mountain time zones), the most recent episode of Eisner’s series Glenn Martin, DDS titled “North Star” has earned the title of Worst Cable TV Show of the Week. 

After spending an evening lost in downtown Gary, Indiana  surrounded by prostitutes and demented homeless people, wife Jackie forces her husband Glenn (the DDS of the title) to accept a Northstar navigation system(a parody of the similar real-life OnStar). Glenn begins a flirtation with the breathy-voiced Northstar operator, who seems interested in – and gives sexually-charged responses to -- everything Glenn says. After the Northstar operator grows jealous of Jackie, Glenn is rerouted to a dangerous junkyard by Northstar. Glenn rushes to save Jackie from the Northstar operator, who has appeared in the flesh to kill Jackie.

Already one can tell that this episode is hardly suitable for children. But this simple summary does not begin to convey the disgustingly in-depth nature of the show’s sexual dialogue:

• Northstar voice: “Now I want you to grab the wheel, nice and gentle. Are you grabbing it?... I'll take you where ever you want to go. Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Moorhead, Minnesota. Even Climax, Florida.”

• Northstar instructs the lonely Glenn to turn on the radio:

Northstar voice: “Oh, Doctor Martin. Ready to go on another ride?”

Glenn twists the radio knob until he lands on a soft romantic music station.

Northstar voice: “No, a little more. Little more. Ooh, right there. OH MY GOD! I love this!”

Washer fluid spurts onto the windshield.

• Northstar voice: “You can beat my traffic anytime. You can touch all my bases, slide in face first.”

Glenn: “I was telling you a tender story about me and my father.”

Northstar voice: “You know what else is tender?”

The episode concludes with some of the show’s trademarked claymation graphically bloody violence:

• Northstar voiced-woman: “How may I assist you... to die!”

The Northstar lady tackles Jackie on the top of the RV.

Northstar lady:”I want your husband. That sexy dulcet-toned ORAL specialist!”

Son Conor hurls a book at the Northstar lady. She falls off the RV, landing on a pile of barbed wire.

Someone at kids’ network Nickelodeon may be catching on that Glenn Martin is not for children. Prior episodes have always been rated PG, while this one received a rating of TV-14 D. But merely raising the rating slightly cannot excuse this sexually explicit program; it should not be playing on Nick to begin with.  If the network were true to its supposed goal of providing entertainment appropriate for kids, Nickelodeon would drop the program entirely.

For pushing sexually graphic innuendo at children, Glenn Martin, DDS has been named Worst Cable TV Show of the Week.