Andrew begs his parents not to leave him at camp. As they drive off, Andrew calls after them, saying he'll do anything, "I'll suck your dick." Andrew's Hormone Monster, Maury: "Whoa, Andrew, you gotta talk to me before you offer to blow your dad. There's a form you have to fill out, buddy."
Maury: "Oh, Andrew, I found that form you wanted...For sucking your dad's dick." Andrew: "I don't want to suck my dad's dick." Maury: "Well then why did I bring my notary pubic." Character that looks like a fur-covered penis and testicles wearing glasses, shirt and bowtie: "Not as many people sucking their dad's dick around here these days."
Seth: "You know what, everyone? I'm just gonna ask the thing that we're all thinking but not asking. What does your crotch look like?" Natalie: "…My crotch looks like the back of your mom's head while she's slurping me off." Seth: "But what is my mom slurping off?" Guy 2: "Please just tell us if you have a dick."
Missy's monster, Mona: "See if they know Donald Glover so you can suck his nob."
Gremlin: "Oh, you're gonna shuck this boy's nuts out of his sack and eat it with cocktail sauce."
Seth: "Nick Birch! The Westchester Molester" Guy pulls his scrotum out of his shorts and says to Nick: "Dude, wait, check it out. I found a duck egg. Feel how smooth it is." He has his hands wrapped around his scrotum so it protrudes out. It is covered with hairy stubble. Nick: "Ew! Nasty!" Guy: "But wait. But taste it. They taste like regular eggs." Seth jiggles and shakes his scrotum at Nick, Nick laughs and says "I don't wanna taste your eggs?"
Nick's Hormone Monster, Connie: "Oh, shit. That's his nut. This boy's delightful."
Seth (Nick's camp best friend): "Oh, Nick, look, a mongoose is trying to eat the duck egg." (His back is facing the audience, implied he is playing with his penis.) Connie: "Okay, that does not look like a mongoose. That just looks like a child's dick."
Jessi wakes up at camp "Oh, shit!" She pulls back the blanket and is lying in a pool of menstrual blood. She pulls back the waist on her pajamas and panties and starts talking to her blood-covered vagina. V: "Hey, Jessi. Hello and good morning! What a day to be alive!" J: "Oh, Jesus. What am I gonna do?"
Jessi, talking to her vagina: "Is it too much period?" V: "No, it's fine, it's totally normal. It's my favorite time of the month. Whoo!"
In the boys' shower, Seth says "Hey, I found another duck egg!" He turns and faces the other two boys with his scrotum squeezed in his hands. "I actually found two. And they're in a nest. A hairy nest."
Boys are shown swinging their hips to wiggle their privates. Counselor: "No rat-tailing each other's filthy wankers, you filthy wankers."
Nick's monster encourages Nick to get in the shower and look at Seth's "duck eggs." Nick: "I don't think Seth wants me to look at his balls anymore."
Boys are shown showering, all naked, their privates all fully visible. Seth "moon dances" across the shower room floor. Nick: "Let's face it, those nuts belong to Andrew now."
Seth: "Ew, Milk, your dick is so weird! I can see the veins in your balls." Milk: "During the Renaissance, scrota such as mine were considered a delicacy." 2nd boy: "No one wants to eat your weird dick, Milk." Nick: "I don't even think his dick's that weird." Mosquito buzzing around Nick's head says, "The only thing worse than weird is small. When they see your little rat nose, they'll rip you apart." Connie: "Aw shit, you got an anxito now?" Mosquito: "They're going to call you a Little Dick Nixon." Mosquito that resembles Nixon: "I am not a clit." Mosquito: "Or Can't Jack Dickolson." Mosquito that resembles Jack Nicholson as the Joker: "Wait till they get a chode of me." Nick: "I don’t want everyone looking at my dick." Mosquito: "Think about it. They see your dick, they make fun of you, you have no friends, you become the Unabomber, and you write manifestos like a small-dicked maniac." Nick: "Oh shit, that all tracks."
Schwartz: "Hey, Milk, Milk lemonade" (He urinates on Milk. Urine is shown hitting Milk's feet and pooling on the shower floor.) "…around the corner, fudge is made!" (grunting sound is heard)
Andrew: "Um, idiot, that was a lie I told because I was addicted to porn." Seth: "I got addicted to porn this year, too." Andrew: "Okay, let me ask you this. What type of porn made you, you know, messy the computer chair in your family room?" Seth: "Well, like, I started on stepmom stuff, and then I found this Russian webcam chick, Svetlana --"
Nick: "…Your circle jerks." Seth: "Hey! You need at least three people for a proper circle jerk. Otherwise, it's a double toss-off." Connie: "God, I love this kid."
Andrew turns and faces Nick. Nick turns and looks away implying that he can see Andrew's privates. Nick: "No, no, no, no. I don't need to see that again. And also, Andrew, you can pull up your pants." Andrew: "Well aren't you going to try to Glauberman method?" Nick: "Oh god, no. Do you really do that every time you jerk off?" Andrew: "Yes, of course. Why would you even ask that?" Nick: "I don't know, it just seems a little bit, like, um, totally obsessive and insane." Andrew: "I'm not obsessive. I just know that if I ever deviate from my very precise method, even a smidge, something terrible will happen." Nick: "That sounds like how a psychopath would masturbate." Andrew:" Oh, please. Would a psychopath keep a journal logging every ejaculation by weight and color?" Nick: "Hold on, if I hadn't stopped you, were you going to fully cum in front of me?" Andrew: "Yes."
Andrew: "Hey, remember that thing Nick said about the method?" Maury: "That it's weird, and annoying, and you seem crazy?" Andrew: "Yeah. What do you think?" Maury: "Well, I hate to agree with that little fat-lipped fuck, but I do have some issues with the method." Andrew: "Really?" Maury: "Jacking-off is supposed to be spontaneous and fun, like a motorcycle blowing up in front of a bikini woman." Andrew: "That's a great visual, but the method does work." Maury: "Come on, you're a man. When you want to jerk-off, you should just grab your short fatty and go to work, baby." [Gestures up and down with a closed fist.] Andrew: "Yeah, you're right. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?" Andrew's hand is seen moving up and down under the blanket. He fantasizes about a blonde woman in a bikini "Hey, do you have a big hose to cool me down?" Andrew: "Well, it's got a wide nozzle." Maury: "Ooh, and maybe your cousin Cherry shows up." "Hey, I'm Andrew's cousin. We have the same grandpa, so get lost because this is making me horny!" "Oh yeah? Then let's kiss about it, bitch." The blonde and cherry start kissing. Andrew: "Oh god, they're gonna kiss fight!" Andrew: "Ahh! For fuck's sake!" Motorcycle explodes in the background. Maury: "Woo! That's what I'm talking about! And your bedroom door is wide-open. I can smell the soup your mom's making downstairs." Andrew: "You were right, Maury. Just get to it. What are we going to do with all our new-found free time?" "Jack-off again. Do it in front of the window this time. Let's fucking Louie the neighbor."
"It's fine, a ripped tissue still holds jizz. It says so on the bottom of every box of Puffs." "No, no, no the tissues have to be perfect to hold his huge amounts of icky-sticky." "Uh, here we go." Andrew: "Yeah, I should start over." Maury: "This is madness. You desperately need to jack that stack." "I know"
Andrew's parents hear him "For Zaide. I'm yoidling my doidle." His parents walk in on him masturbating in front of his grandfather's open casket. "No! Look away!" "In front of your Zaide?" "And where is his pocket square?" "What is the matter with you." Everbody crowds in. "God! Ew, Andrew." "He's fiddling with his ding-dong." "Your son's a freaking creep." "You gotta understand. This is what Zaide wanted." Zaide's ghost: "Yep, public humiliation is exactly what I wanted. You killed me, and I will never forgive you." "A revenge plot!" "Oh, shit." "Marty, have we raised a monster." "Yes! I've been saying that for years."
Jay: "Oh my god, you are so wet." "That's my belly button, it's full of lotion." "Okay, now this, this has got to be the vagina." "Well, Jay, then worry you no more, because you have officially entered my kingdom." "Oh, fuck yes, my queen, let's get up in there." Jay is depicted as a dragon destroying a village. He shoves his arm in a window. "More fingers." "It's a little crowded in there." "Elbow deep." "You're kind of like, jackhammering a little too much. Maybe like, take the gas off the pedals." "I gotta get those chips out of the vending machine. The thing ate my quarter." "This isn't feeling good. Stop it! Stop!" Lola: "What happened, did you cum?" "No." "Are you sure." "Jay, what you're doing, like, doesn't feel very good." "Are you saying I'm bad at fingering?" "No, you're saying it, but I'm like 100% agreeing with you." "Well, maybe you're bad at getting fingered. I talked to a lot of guys about how to do this." "But you never talked to any girls, and most specifically me whose vagina you were just ruining, and not in the way that I wanted." "Why would I talk to you about your own body, do you hear how crazy that sounds?" "It's better than what you just did to my previously eager hole." "But if I ask you what to do, then you'll know I have no idea what I'm doing." "But Jay, that's okay, why don't you just like, let me guide you, and show you what I like." "Fuck. Okay. Teach me the ways of your kingdom." "With pleasure, Jayzilla." Jay is depicted as a dragon again. Jay: "Okay, I'm just going to shove my way through." "No, like, gently. Now, maybe like, try rubbing the outside, but like a tiny bit firmer." "Like that?" "Just like that, yes." "I want to go in." "Calm down. Go in slowly, okay." "Is this what you like? Do I go in all the way now?" Lola: "No, no, no, now go out. Now go back in. Now go out. A little slower. Actually, the most important part is up top." The dragon Jay rings a bell at the top of the arch. Lola: "That is clitorally my clitoris." Jay: "Whoa! And who are the archers?" Lola: "Oh, those are my pubes, the knights of Saint Joseph, they're sworn to protect me... Back to the bell." "Should I squeeze it as hard as I can." "Don't squeeze it, pet the bell. Pet the bell back and forth. Yes! Keep doing that! Can you do a small circle? Faster! Faster! Huzzah!" A flood of water comes out of the castle gate. One of the knights: "'Tis a most noble honor to serve the realm of this tween queen's vagina." Lola: "Jay. You just gave me a literal orgasm." Jay: "Yeah, I guess I really am the ultimate fuck machine, huh?" Jay: "Oh, shit." Lola: "May I return the favor, Jay-zilla?" Jay: "I appreciate the offer, babe. But I full-on painted the inside of my jeans while I was fingering you. Four coats, including primer." Lola: "Oh, Jay. I am deeply humbled." Jay: "I fucking worship you." "Right back at you, king finger." Jay and Lola tongue kiss.
Matthew goes to his boyfriend's house: "Upstairs, bitch…Take your pants off, I'm going to knuckle-shuffle your piss pump." Maury: "Now spit on his carpet and smile." "What the fuck, babe. You're scaring me. Stop it!" "Nobody said this would be fun." "Of course it should be fun, why else would we do it?" "I don't know, because we're gay and we did Stonewall. And it's our duty, right?" "What in the fuck are you talking about?" "Your friends, and how we have to hand job, and if I don't want to, I'm a prude." "Okay, my friends are full of shit. Broderick hasn't even kissed a boy. And besides, hand-jobs are only fun if both of us are into it." "So it's okay to wait?" "Of course!" Maury: "Let's just take the pressure off, circle a date on the calendar six months from now, and if you're not ready by then, I'll kill myself." "Can we still make out?" "Sure, and maybe after that we can clean up the carpet where you spit." [Matthew and Aiden start kissing.] Maury: "Hey, Matthew? I know you're busy, but can I use 'knuckle shuffle on your piss pump'? I want to put it as my senior quote on my yearbook page. [Screen shows Maurice wearing a coat and tie, with his hair combed. Underneath the picture it says, Maurice Beverly 'Take your pants off, I'm gonna knuckle shuffle on your piss pump.']
Connie: "Shut up Maury, you fucking asshole." She kicks him with a ski still attached to her foot. It gets lodged between his butt cheeks. Maury: "That feels good. Stick the other one in and pry me open." Connie: "I hate that you're like this, but it's the only way to get my skis off." Maury: "Ooh! My proctologist is never gonna believe I didn't do this to myself."
Misha: "I'd totally be down to french kiss, spanish fly, dutch oven, fart in your mouth." Her friend: "Misha! Misha slow your roll!" Nick: "Well, then, perhaps we should all go to my house tomorrow after school." Andrew: "Hmmm. Yes, for 'office hours.'" Maury: "Jesus, Professor Boyfriend, I wanna fuck you." Nick: "No, Andrew, for a classic eighth-grade make-out party."
In the future, Nick sees an orgy going on in his family’s living room. One man is shown having sex with a woman from behind. Two men are shown frenching on the couch. Two women are twisting each other's nipples. A woman appears to have a string of sausages coming out of her rectum.
Jay: "We share everything. Our food our possessions our bodies. We're a real cumunist fucktopia."
Jay's dad is wearing leather S&M gear. "I get all the affection I need from Jay." Jay grabs Nick's dad's butt and tongue kisses him.
A woman is shown wearing a strap-on. Another woman has one on her head.
"We had this very conversation last night." "Right before Jay gave us the deep-dicking of our lives." "It's true. Your mother got a nose bleed." Nick: "Uh-huh. From the dick going so deep, yes. Kudos to Jay."
Gremlin: "I used to want to yum-yum on Nick's pelvic thumb." Misha: "I know, fuck gremlin." Nick: "Fuck gremlin?" Gremlin: "But now I wanna tear out his spine and shove it up my ass." Andrew: "I guess she's their hormone monster?"
Gremlin: "Now let's go home and see how much of your grandma's cane we can fit up your pussy."
Andrew: "What's the target audience for Cafeteria Girls?" Nick: "I know! I mean, the main characters are kids, but the show is so filthy." Andrew: "It's too much. And I like dirty stuff." Maury: "That fuck gremlin is really unpleasant." Andrew: "It's uncalled for." Maury: "You don't need to be gross to be funny." Andrew: "You said it, Maury." Maury: "Alright, I'm going to go have sex with poop then eat it. Then shit it out and then fuck my own ass with it."
"Oh, Maury. You gotta take a look at what's going on back there." Andrew stands up and turns around so that he's leaning on the toilet and he is sticking his naked backside out toward Maury. "Oh Andrew, I don't think it's appropriate… for me to be this psyched to look at your asshole, baby!"
Camp counselor: "Okay, fifteen minutes until the last night of camp bonfire. Attendance required, make-outs encouraged, because if you can't hook-up on the last night of camp, when can you hook-up? Vacation? Please! Your parents are there. They don't want to see you snogging a 45-year-old Greek woman. They're not ready to accept you as a sexual being. Hashtag Zora the Explorer"
Andrew: "Nick, what about 7th grade girls?" Nick: "Yes, they're young." Andrew: "They're nubile." Nick: "They're gettable." Andrew: "They're perfect." Nick's monster: "That's what I love about these seventh-grade girls, man. I get older, they stay twelve. [Salaciously] Twelve years old." Nick: "Oof. When you say it like that..." Monster: "What if I say it like this? [running her finger down her chest, and speaking in a seductive tone] Twelve years old." Nick: "That's significantly worse." Monster: "How about this? [child's voice] Twelve years old, daddy. Waa! Waa!"
Nick's dad: "Now, Nicky, you're going to make sure she achieves pleasure before you do, right? One full orgasm before you even kiss her." Nick: "Is that even possible." Nick's mom: "Of course! Your father once gave me an orgasm through a window." "I used a hairdryer and CB radio." Andrew: "Holy shit." Maury: "Kill the boy and fuck the parents." Andrew: "I know, but shush."
Connie: "My first kiss was with a troll named Myron. He had a flat ass and buck teeth. He could eat me out through a tennis racket."
Jessi: "I'm going to finger Milk. As god is my witness, I'm going to wear him like a ring pop."
Students being interviewed about what they did during the summer. Two girls are holding hands. "Uh, so Samira and I are a couple now, and we have 'sleepovers.' Her parents watch John Wick every night, so they don't hear all the… [moans, slurps, wiggles her tongue around]"
Missy: "And do not touch my hair with your eyes." Andrew's monster: "Okay, how about him touching the inside of your mouth with his penis?"
Jessi's monster, Connie: "Ooh, I hear that's the school where Lena Dunham fingered her sister."
Jay: "Did you accidentally bring your mom's dildo in for show and tell?"
Jay: "Did you jack-off to the long finger nails guy in the Guinness Book of World Records?"
Andrew: "Welcome to tongue town." Misha: "We just moved from Titty City. We slid here on our own discharge."
Misha sits astride the arm of the couch and is rubbing herself against it. "Better hurry up, the corner of this couch is looking pretty good." Andrew: "Ooh, happy birthday Mr. sofa."
Nick "I'm finding Misha a little terrifying." "Really? Cause I want to be the corner of that couch right now."
Jay: "You know I want everybody to watch while I tongue your throat clit with my mouth dick."
Jessi: "Why did I curtsy?" Connie: "Cause you're getting an eye-line on that dick." Michelangelo: "Wanna have a seat." Connie: "Yes, please. Right on his fucking face." Jessi: "Fuck." Connie: "Breaker breaker one-nine, I just came again."
Jay and Lola: "What's going on? …You're not sucking my tongue like it's going to cum like a tiny little dick in my mouth like you normally do."
Connie: "Suck his Juul until it lights up and you gotta put your pussy in a USB port… Just suck that electric dick."
Connie thrusts her hips into a laptop: "Ooh! He called you 'baby girl.'" Jessi: "Connie, what the hell are you doing?" "I'm plugging my pussy in the USB port. I gotta be careful though, 'cause when I updated my butthole I lost all my contacts."
Jessi: "Could you just shut up and be horny, isn't that your job?" Connie: "Hey, you don't come to my work and slap the dick out of my mouth."
Jay: "Hey Steve, we never got off the bus." Lola: "Yeah, we actually got off in the bus." Jay: "We rubbed fronts until I cheesed into a hole in the seat."
Nick hosting a game show called "Fuck Your Brother." A bed appears on stage and two men walk out. "Danny and Jerry Lynch, tell us why you're here." "Well, our mom has cancer and medical insurance doesn't exist anymore." "Plus we love the show." Nick: "And have you thought about who's going to fuck whom?" "Well, I've got the tinier dick, so our family agreed it should be me." [Audience boos] "Come on, we wanted the big dick!" Nick: "No Lynch brothers. You heard them! They want the bigger dick."
Robotic Andrew: "Congratulations Nick. Those brothers really did not want to fuck each other. Very compelling content. Have you given any more thought to building me a robot bride?" Nick: "Why would I do that? We're both bachelors." Andrew 3000: "Oh yes, the batch boys. Alone together forever." Nick: "That's right, A3." A3: "Daily reminder. I have this switch you can flip and I will be gay with you." In his dressing room, Nick breaks open a can of "Ohyeah" and inhales. He falls back in his chair, and his body shudders. Nick: "Oh boy, that was a big one." A3: "Actually, that was an earthquake. They are becoming more frequent." Nick: "Either way, I am soaked." A3: "Shall I replace your cum diaper?" Nick: "No, I think I'll sit in it a bit and let my butt cheeks prune."
Lola: "Jay, where are those human organs. I'm literally starving." Jay: "Funny story, I found you when I was out scavenging for people to fuck and eat." Lola: "Not necessarily in that order."
Nick: Wait, where's my family? Lola: "Oh, they're getting pounded out on the patio. You have to see what we've done with the place." Jay: "Welcome to Shagrila."
"This girl is so basic with her whack-ass excuses." "For real, honey take a Benadryl and slap that dick around, okay? It's like, not a big deal." "Grow up, bitch, it's just a hand job." "I mean, all my gay friends are hand jobbing." Maury: "But you and Aiden aren't hand jobbing." "Oh god, should we be." "Oooh, ooh he just squeezed your hand." "What does that mean?" "Isn't it obvious? He wants you to grab his boy rope and play tug-of-war with his taint. And before you ask, there's literally nothing else it could mean." "I don't know Maury, I don't think I'm ready to give Aiden a hand job." "That's fine. He can jerk you off." "What if I don't want to do any of it." "You have to do it." "I do? Why?" "Because of the sacrifices of your gay forefathers. Have you not seen my episode of spunk history." "Do you mean drunk history?" "No, no. Spunk history. I chug a bunch of my own jizz and tell stories about the past."
Devin: "Ladies, I've decided to do feminism in a way that serves me. So as long as I'm not touching any penises, I'm calling on all of you to boycott boy cock!" Andrew: "I'm not sure about that slogan, Nick. Should it be "boycott boy cock or boy cock boycott?" Nick: "Who fucking cares? The world is going to end." Anxiety mosquito: "It sure is. You saw it yourself right after Jessi said you were a bad person who couldn't fuck." Andrew: "Uh, Nick? What's going on, buddy? You seem very anxious." Nick: "After that fight with Jessi I had this crazy dream and now I'm a fucking mess."
"It all started when my husband Devon divorced me because I wouldn't give him a hand job." Gayle: "I have to ask, is your husband also a child? I think I hope the answer is yes." Connie: "Michael Angelo is so hot, and such a good kisser…" "Let's depend on him for all our self-worth and happiness" "I don't like that, but I do like the frenching." Michael Angelo: "It's nothing, it's just um. It's just blue balls." Jessi: "Oh, god. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Am I doing something wrong?" "I mean, you turn me on, but then I don't get to like, you know, uh, finish." "Right, finish." "So now I'm just like in massive agony." "Oh, god! Massive?" Anxiety mosquito: "You hear that? You're hurting him." Connie: "Is she, though? I mean, blue-balls. Is that really a thing?" Jessi: "I mean, I've heard of it, of course. Everybody talks about it. I just don't really know what it is." Michael Angelo: "It's fine. It's just this excruciating pain in my nuts that turns into a cramp in my stomach. Could you imagine that, Jessi? A painful cramp in your stomach?" "You better do something about those blue balls before he dumps you." Michael Angelo: "I guess there's one thing we could try. No, forget it, you probably wouldn't be into it." Jessi: "No, what is it? Maybe I'll be into it. Tell me." "I guess if you really wanted to help." "I do!" "You could, you know, give me a hand job?" "Oh! Oh, a hand job! Wow! Okay! That is an unexpected, big request. Kind of big-league. Big-league chew." "So you're into it?" Sad cat: "Might as well." Anxiety mosquito: "He's in 9th grade. He expects these things." Connie: "Shit, what's the answer? I don't know." Jessi: "It's just, I wish I could do it right now, but I do... Um, have to go vote. I have to go vote. It's um, it's a state election. But tonight, I'm gonna come back. We're gonna hang out. And I will be down to stroke that clown."
Connie: "Wait a tick. If blue balls hurt that much, why can't he just jerk himself off?" Anxiety mosquitoes: "Because he wants you to do it. You're his girlfriend. It's your job. It's your hand-job." Sad cat: "And if you don't do it, someone else will." Jessi: "Really?" "I'd do it myself, but I'm just a fat, sad cat." "See, I just think Michael Angelo's blowing this blue balls thing way out of proportion." "But what if he's not? What if it's agony? What if he ruptured? What if he drops dead?" "Next stop, blue balls ward" subway doors open and Jessi walks into what looks like a hospital ward with beds lining the walls and on each bed is a pair of furry blue balls. A hand pushing a gurney comes through "Out of the way, these blue balls are about to explode." "I don't want to die, I have kids inside me."
Anxiety mosquito: "It's the blue balls ward of the boy hospital." Connie: "They got a fucking blue balls ward? Where are those free tampons." Sad cat: "Michael Angelo's balls are here because you won't jerk him off." A pair of blue balls: "Why do you hate us, Jessi?" Giant hand: "Why won't you save them?" Jessi: "You're literally an enormous hand. Why don't you do it?" "Because I am a doctor, not his girlfriend." "Thanks for nothing, Jessi" The blue balls flatline. "I’m going to call it. Cause of death, Jessi Glazer." the balls explode and cover everyone with blue goo. Jessi: "Oh, shit." Connie: "Fuck me! I just got my hair blown out and now I feel like an idiot."
Jessi: "Okay, so blue balls actually seems like a huge fucking deal." Sad cat: "Seems like everything'd be a whole lot easier if you'd just jerk him off." Jessi: "I guess you're right." Connie: "We're just going to yank it, spank it and crank it until the slime comes out." Jessi: "Oh yea, slime's going to come out."
Jessi and Michael Angelo are kissing on the couch. Connie: "Well, I think it's time to milk that mushroom, baby. I just wish I was more into it." Anxiety mosquito: "It's too late to back out now, you promised him." Sad cat: "Just zone out, Anthony his Weiner, and think about lunch." Jessi: "Hey, Michael Angelo, I'm ready to do that thing that we said we would do." Michael Angelo: "You mean you want to give me a hand job." Jessi: "Yeah. Yeah, sure. I mostly want to do it." Michael Angelo: "Oh, fuck yeah, this is exactly what you want to do. Here it is." [He unzips his pants and shows her his erect penis] Jessi: "Oh, okay it's there. Oh my god, it's a penis." [His penis talks to her] "Oh, hello. You must be Jessi. I'm a penis." Jessi: "Yes, you're a real-life penis." "It's a funny word, isn't it. Penis. Say it with me." "Penis" "Penis" "Penis" "It is indeed a funny word." "It's a funny word because it's a funny looking thing. Oh my god." "Yeah, some would say ugly." "You're not what I expected." "Oh, right. Because he's English and I'm from Long Island. Hey, pull me down, Jessi, watch me boing back up." She pushes it down and it bounces back up. Michael Angelo: "Oh, yeah." Connie: "That stupid thing boinged back up." Jessi: "It's so fucking stupid." "I love laughing about this." Michael Angelo: "Jessi, what's so bloody funny. It's my dick." Jessi: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just nervous and your penis is from Long Island, and I'm so sorry." "What the fuck? ...This was clearly a mistake." Michael Angelo: "It's not like I'm laughing at your sad little titties." Connie: "Oh, fuck, no! Rip his throat out with your teeth, Jessi. Say something!" Jessi: "I might have tiny little titties, but... you know, I just think I need to go home , um, tonight. For now." Michael Angelo: "Well don't worry about coming back. You're an immature little cock tease and I'm breaking up with you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go finish myself off." Connie: "Now see? Why couldn't he do that the whole time?" "You got dumped!" "He doesn't want you." "No one's ever going to want you." Connie: "Jessi, honey, there's a documentary about Lorena Bobbit that has some really intriguing ideas..."
Connie: "If anybody knows about not wanting to stroke dick, it's got to be Shannon."
Connie: "Okay! Fuck you Shannon, eat a pussy." Sad Cat: "Hi girls" Connie: "Oh, shit." "We saved you a seat." "It's wet." Connie: "Let's not sit with them, let's sit with this nice man who is….Oh, jacking off underneath his kindle. Come on, man!"
Matthew: "I think she saw my dirty texts with Aiden." Maury: "Well, then great! I mean, come on, she knows you're gay and now it'll be out in the open… You'll finally be able to talk to her about which of the Jonas brothers has the tastiest penis. I know for a fact it's Joe."
Andrew's cousin: "Hey Andy, you want to see my phone's lock screen?" Andrew: "Oh! That is my nude penis. Oh, that's nice." "Andrew, you stay away from your cousin, you pervert." "Oh, I definitely will." Maury: "What? Why? Don't you want to grief-hump your cousin? Have her sit shiva on your Hebrew national?" "No! When I broke the method and jerked-off to her picture, I killed my Zaide... You think I don't want to put my Private Benjamin in her parent trap?" Maury: "Then at least jerk-off. What's the worst that could happen?" Anxiety mosquito: "I'll take this one" Andrew is shown masturbating. "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm not doing my method at all and baby's going to ruin his only winter hat." He screams when he climaxes, startling a flock of birds that fly into the propeller of a plane passing overhead. The plane is spattered in bird parts and blood. The plane crashes into an amusement park. A ferris wheel rolls over and kills Sinbad. Andrew: "That's exactly what would happen." "It sure is!" "The stakes are too high, Maury. I got to withhold my seed for the safety of mankind." Maury: "Well, then fuck you. I'm going to Matthew's story."
Andrew's cousin: "Hey, wouldn't it be so twisted if we made out in the coat room." Andrew: "I bet it smells like moldy pashminas in there." Andrew gets an erection and covers his crotch with his hands. "Oh fuck." Maury: "Yeah! Let's go turn that coat room into the Burlington chode factory." "No, I can't." "Fine! Then you gotta take care of that zipper-busting boner, bud. The levee's gonna burst and George Bush doesn't care about black people." "What?" "Just jerk-off." Andrew is in the room with his dead grandfather. Maury: "Okay, I know it's not ideal, but it is an empty room."
Jay: "So, I tell Lola I love her, and she just says, 'Aw, thanks. You're cool, too.'" "That's bullshit, Jay. What an icy-cold twat." "Yeah, bro! I can say I love you so easy! I fucking love you with everything I am. Mind, body, and polyurethane foam." "I don't know. Maybe Lola's right not to love me." "Are you insane? You're a sexy 40-year-old magician with a ridiculous dick." "Hell yeah, I'm getting hot just thinking about your hanging flapper resting on my chin. I wanna blow your Greek penis." "Oh, Lord! Me, too! I want you to bang me so hard I get Bells Palsy." "I don't know guys. I'm kind of in a relationship right now." "Yeah. With someone who doesn't even love you." "Exactly. Look, bro. Do what you want to do, but I'm just going to bend over and pick up this penny right now. Damn. I can feel the breeze hit my open, dirty ass." "Fuck!"
Duke: "Whoa! Butt-fuck party! I should've knocked. In the future, you should hang a scrunchie on the door knob. Also, the butt-fuckee needs to be awake." "No, it's for easy access, Duke. I'm going back in." Andrew: "You know, Duke once entered my body and punched me in the penis." Duke:
Jay's pillows: "Bull fucking shit. If you really felt it you would've said it." "Yeah, cutie-pie. You're a day late and a dicking short. And what a dicking it was." Lola: "Jay! What the hell! Did you fucking cheat on me with your exes?" "Sorry, babe. You snooze, I cruise." "Oh yeah, he cruised right into my sloppy ass. Let's just say it was a butt fuck party." "It sure was. Isn't that right, King Finger." "What? I gave him that name! I knighted him King Finger." "Whatever! It's my finger!"
Lola: "You are so fucked next season!" Jay: "Oh, I will be fucked, by my pillows who know how to say 'I love you' right away." "And guess what, bitch. You ain't the home screen on his phone anymore." "Oh, yeah! Pillow titties on the home screen."