| Hormone Monster in an elevator, talking to a co-worker "She says my 'heart chakra' is all clogged-up, whatever the fuck that means… It's like c'mon! Can't you just let me watch penis hockey in peace for Christ's sake?" Maury enters the elevator. Co-worker says "Hey, Maury, you heard about that new VR sex app the humans are into?" 1st Hormone Monster: "Whatever happened to yanking your old dick to an oil painting of a stacked milkmaid?" Maury: "Those were the days, my friends." 1st Monster: "I'm telling you, in 20 years, nobody's going to fuck." Maury: "Oh, please. You guys said the same thing when women discovered vibrators." 2nd hormone monster: "Yeah, well, I don't know. [laughs] It put an end to fucking in my house." |
| Maury: "Why do we always have to have treats for birthdays like we're all a bunch of fucking children." Woman monster: "What a bitch I am, getting you cake. Oh, I fucking hate this job." |
| A pregnant woman (Becca) and her husband (Barry) are at the obstetrician's. The doctor tells her he's going to have to put her on bed rest for the last month of her pregnancy. Becca: "The fuck you are! …I start arguing a case on Monday, and I'll queef this baby out in the jury box before I'd miss it... I need another option." Anxiety mosquitos start talking to Becca. "Oh no, what if they baby doesn't survive?" Mosquito 2: "What if it does, and it's born with a pointy head and it can only wear Santa hats?" 3rd mosquito: "What a terrible life!" |
| Ambition goblin in a movie theater watching all of this on a movie screen: "Excuse me? Floor is mine. Tito's crazy Santa hat fixation aside, this is a big fucking deal." ...Mona: "Who cares about that shit? They're never gonna fuck again once that baby turns her pussy into Bolognese!" Logic rock: "Don't worry Connie. They will have sex. It'll just be less frequent and not as good." Shame wizard: "And the sex with Barry already wasn't very good or frequent, was it?" Emmy, a lovebug: "I'm Barry. I always announce when I'm about to cum. I'm cumming, I'm Barry." Sonya, the senior lovebug: "...Because I'm doing my goddamn job and I need the rest of you to get onboard." Ambition goblin: "...She's allowed to move her fucking eyeballs, right?" |
| Sonya: "Your notes are crap… Hey, Emmy, shut the fuck up. What we do here is important. It's not some bullshit job that exists just to pay for whatever a pizza burrito is… Becca's about to have a fucking baby. " |
| Another lovebug: "Damn! What's her problem?" Emmy, telling about her date the night before: "We just sort of got straight to the, uh, boning portion of the evening." She tells the other lovebugs it's fine and actually what she wanted. They tell her she's lying. Walter, another lovebug: "Honey, you need someone who will fill your belly with fancy food before they fill your shelly with unprotected sex things." Emmy: "Oh my God, how'd you know it was unprotected?" Walter: "GIrl, please. I know who I'm talking to." |
| Monsters in uniform walk into Sonya's office. Sonya: "What the fuck do you want?" 1st lovebug: "What the hell is security doing in Sonya's office?" Sonya, from behind the closed office door: "Fuck you. You can't fire me. I got Barack and Michelle together." Security guards drag her out of her office: "Fuck you, Eric!" 2nd lovebug: "You bastards! You fire her, you fire all of us! I'm tot -- I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I love my job and my nice things. Please don't fire me." |
| A creature brings a female hormone monster a bouquet of penises. |
| Maury gets into an elevator with three other male hormone monsters. HM1: "Hey, dick phlegm. I hear it's your birthday. How old is that fat fucking face of yours?" Maury: "I'm, uh, 40 million." "Forty million? And you're still working with kids? That's entry-level shit." Maury: "I like the kids. They're enthusiastic." HM1: "Yeah, they're 'enthusiastic.' That's cute. I'm happy for your sad life. Meanwhile, you hear I just got promoted to head of testosterone for the NFL?" Maury: "You got the gig?" HM1: "Fuck yeah! Moved on from teens right into ripped meathead dumb fucks. Mwah! I love those psychos. Anyway, I'm headed to Vegas this weekenbd to watch a couple of teams bash each other's brains into oatmeal, then get fucked out at the Bunny Ranch sideways. Happy birthday, you babysitter bitch." [Extends middle finger at Maury.] |
| Gavin (the Hormone monster) gets off the elevator. Maury talks to the other two about Gavin. HM2: "Nope. I mean, I'm perfectly satisfied getting children to touch their privates." Maury: "I wish I was a simple, shit-for-brains like you fucking zeros." |
| HM3: "Some monsters are never happy. Maybe he's not getting it up?" Elevator jerks to a halt. "What the hell!" Talking to the janitor over a screen inside the elevator "No, pretty please, Mr. Janitor who cleans doodie out of the toilet. Will you come and do your goddamn job?" |
| Ambition goblin: "Walter, Walter, do you know anything? I mean, you two are always up each other's asses. Like, way up." Shame wizard: "I heard she fucked the Grinch at the Christmas party." Emmy: "Go, Sonya! I heard the Grinch is hung like a stocking." Ambition goblin: "Well, now she's fucked us. Thank you. Okay? And what the hell's gonna happen with Becca?" Tito, the anxiety mosquito: "She's already gonna have a pointy-headed weirdo baby and now she's got no Lovebug? Aaah!" Emmy learns that she is to take Sonia's place as Becca's lovebug. Emmy: "Oh, fuck!" Tito: "You are so screwed!" |
| Maury: "No! Shut the fuck up. I don't want a birthday cake." Connie: "Shit, Maury! What the hell?" |
| Hormone monsters trapped in the elevator pry open the doors. One says, "Holy shit." "What the hell floor is this?" "Who cares? Let's go through the bigger hole." "That's what he said." "Oh! Okay, okay, yeah. Like the -- like the holes we use in sex." "Like the holes we use in sex." "Okay, yeah. You're quick, man. You're quick." They jump out of the elevator and appear to be suspended in space. They learn they are in the department of magical thinking. |
| Emmy: "The addiction angel I'm with wants me to meet him in the bathroom so he can do coke off my booty…What! I'm not doing the coke, I'm just being the furniture. That I can do. I'm capable of being a table." Sonya: "Emmy, if you go to that bathroom instead of going to Becca, I will rip your antennae from your skull." Emmy: "I can't do it, Sonya! I mean, look at who I'm with. I don't know anything about love. How am I supposed to help someone else?" Sonya: "Look at me. I get that it's scary. But sometimes you gotta suck it up, do scary shit and see what happens." Emmy: "But what if..." Sonya: "Dude, you'll never be ready. All you can do is fucking try." Emmy: "Okay, I'll fucking try. I'll go meet Becca or whatever." Sonya: "Jesus Christ, you haven't even met her yet? Go! Get the hell out of here!" |
| Two hormone monsters from the elevator: "What the hell." The shorter monster follows a floating cloud into a tent "Okay. Heads up, it'll take me a long time to get going, but then it'll be over fast." |
| Becca: "How in the gorgeous hell do I have to pee again?" Becca: "Who the hell are you?" Emmy: "I think I know…Its on account of she fucked the Grinch." Emmy: "Wow! My first case is preggo! Holy shit!" Becca: "Are you fucking kidding me? You've never done this before?" Emmy: "No. Never. Have you Googled 'placenta' by the way? Yuck." Tito: "Oh, Sonya's abandoned you. And this new bug does not seem up to the task. Why is she only wearing one shoe?" Emmy: "Oh, no. And my sock is in a McDonald's hashbrown bag." Tito: "Becca, you must be freaking out." Becca: "My new lovebug is a drunken idiot." Tito: "And you think you can take care of an infant?" Becca: "You're right. I can't be a mom. I have weed pens in my underwear drawer." Emmy: "Oh, what kind of weed? Sleepy or uppy?" Tito: "And what if the baby comes early? Is there enough love for everybody? What about Barry." Becca: "God, I know! He's so needy." Emmy: "'I'm Barry, I love you.' You'r gonna get to know my impressions. They're awesome." Tito: "How about the dog? He's definitely going to bite the baby's face off." "Your ugly baby is gonna smoke your weed." Becca: "Will you shut up!" Sound of water splashing on the floor. "Oh shit!" Emmy: "Eww. What is that?" Tito: "Did you just?" Emmy: "Piss on the floor? Come on, dude. I'm only wearing one shoe." Becca: "I think my water broke." Emmy: "Oh, crap. What the hell does that mean?" Tito: "Becca! You're going into labor!" |
| Ambition goblin, shaking a pill canister into a man's hand: "Just eat a few more Adderall and finish the goddamn presentation. Do you want to land this refried beans account, or get stuck in regular beans forever like your loser fuckin' dad?" |
| Shame wizard to a man at his wedding: "I'll be back later when your penis doesn't get hard." |
| Connie: "It's time for jubilation and butt stuff." Maury: "I'm 40 million years old, Connie and what do I have to show for it? I made a kid cum on his dead grandpa? Fuckin' amateur hour." Connie: "But you've got two shows on Netflix!" Maury: "So what? Everone's got a show on Netflix. I don't have kids. I don't have a steady partner. Uh, no offense." Connie: "Nope, none taken. I do not want a steady partner." Maury: "Yeah, yeah. Steady partner, that's stupid." Connie: "Hey, would a birthday blowjob make you feel better, Maury?" Maury: "I mean, it wouldn't make me feel worse." Connie begins to tie back her hair. Connie: "Oh, shit. That blowie's gonna have to wait. Becca's in labor. I gotta bounce." Maury: "I guess I'll just suck my own dick then like the loser I clearly am. That's right. The only mouth that'll suck your dick is the one attached to your fat, fucking face. Happy birthday, shithead." Maury ties back his own hair. |
| One of the hormone monsters from the elevator is inside a tent with a cloud of smoke that offers to read his aura. "I thought we were going to fuck. What is this? …Hey, just because I'm a hormone monster doesn't mean I'm in the mood to have sex every week, Sharon! ...she was still my goddamn mommy ...get the hell off me! ...What the fuck happened in there?" |
| Becca, in labor: "It feels like my butthole's gonna rip in half. Fan my face, not my pussy." Connie: "Pete, will you put away your goddamn WebMD printouts." Tito: "Now you won't be able to feel anything when you push… That's how people rip… What if you tear front to back? You'll just have one big hole!" Connie: "What? How's she gonna have sex with a vagina-butthole combo?" Tito: "Don't poop. Barry will leaqve you if you poop." Emmy: "If only a dump could get rid of that guy." Becca: "Have this baby for me or shut the fuck up." Pete: "Tell her the room is filled with love or whatever feel-good bullshit you bugs come up with." |
| Connie: "Oh shit. I see its head." Emmy vomits then slips on her own vomit: "Ow, god damn it." |
| Maury comes home to his apartment and finds a bunch of penises inside throwing him a birthday party. They play a slide show. The first slide appears to show Maury with a cave man "Oh, yeah. That's when we discovered jerking off." Another slide appears to show a man having sex with a woman from behind, Maury says: "Oh! The Kama Sutra. Now that was a graphic novel... Oh, Joe Walsh. Boy, we had fun in Cleveland that night." Another slide shows two teenage boys (From Big Mouth) kissing in bed, and Andrew (from Big Mouth) masturbating in front of his dead grandfather. Another slide shows a giant penis riding a bike, and a bunch of penises on a school bus marked "cumdergarten" Maury: "What do you say we all have a big group whack in honor of my 40 millionth birthday?" The penises all move up and down. Maury: "Slow down boys, the birthday boy cums first." |
| Becca: "We? Go fuck youself." Becca: "How the fuck is that helpful?" Emmy: "And damn it, you do it anyway… and you can fucking handle it… And you seem to be awesome at your job, whatever the fuck that is… All you can do is fucking try." The baby is shown crowning and being pushed from her vagina. Becca: "Did I poop?" Emmy: "Damn, it's like somebody put Mr. Potato Head parts on a little baseball." |
